Pub Jokes

Gogs · Post by **Gogs** » Sat Jan 15, 2011 7:34 pm

Teacher : "Billy, if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many will be left".

Billy : "None miss the rest would fly away".

Teacher : "No Billy the answer is 4 but i like the way you think".

Billy : "I have a question for you miss, there are three ladies eating ice cream cones, 1 Licking, 1 Biting, and 1 Sucking", "Which one do you think is married".

Teacher : (nervously answers) "The one Sucking"

Billy : "No Miss" "The one with the wedding ring on, but i like the way you think".

Gogs · Post by **Gogs** » Sat Jan 15, 2011 8:50 pm

Paddy and Mick go to the demmers for a pint to watch the big game and they take Micks big alsation with them.

At half time Mick looks over at the dog and its licking at its balls.

Mick turns round and looks at Paddy and says

"Hey Paddy i bet you a fiver you couldnt bend over and do that".

Paddy says " Well you hold its head and i`ll try"

Gogs · Post by **Gogs** » Sat Jan 15, 2011 9:01 pm

Big Jim spots a job in the job centre, : Lion Tamer Wanted :
jim quickly gets himself down to the circus and speaks to the ring master,
"i`me here for the lion tamers job is it still available".
"yes" says the ring master.
"okay" says jim "what do i do if ime in the cage and the lion snarls at me".
"you grab a whip and whip it", says the ring master.
"okay what do i do if it stands on its hind legs growling and ready to pounce" says jim.
"you grab a stool and poke it in the face" says the ring master.
"and what do i do if it launches itself at me" says jim.
"you start throwing shite at it" says the ring master.
"what if theres no shite" says jim.
" OH there will be shite" says the ring master.

Gogs · Post by **Gogs** » Sat Jan 15, 2011 9:10 pm

Big Jim goes back to the Job centre and sees another job : (Hod Carrier Wanted £55 an hour) he grabs the slip and runs all the way to the building site for the job.
he speaks to the site foreman, "Ime here for the hod carriers job"
the foreman replys "fine we need someone now when can you start"
Big Jim trying to make sure he gets the job says " right away" " i will take my coat off and put it in that shed"
the foreman replys "thats not a shed thats your hod"

Gogs · Post by **Gogs** » Sat Jan 15, 2011 9:22 pm

an irishman, englishman and scotsman in the jungle get seized by the pigmys,
ok says the pigmy to the scotsman what do you want death or bunjy,
the scotsman replys bunjy, he gets grabbed and shagged for 2 hours and is last seen staggering out the jungle.
ok says the pigmy to the englishman what do you want death or bunjy, the englishman replys bunjy, he too gets shagged for 2 hours and is last seen staggering out the jungle.
ok says the pigmy to the irishman what do you want death or bunjy, after seeing what happened to the first two he replys death.
ok says the pigmy death by bunjy.

Gogs · Post by **Gogs** » Sat Jan 15, 2011 9:40 pm

the scotsman is back in the jungle again and gets caught by the mazulu cannibals, "lit may go" he screams, ok says the chief if you pass three tests we will let you go, if you dont your in the boiling pot. in the first hut are 3 barrels of whiskey if you drink the lot you have passed,
in the second hut is a huge angry lion with a rotten tooth and if you can get the tooth out you have passed,
in the third hut there is a big breasted mazulu girl and no one in the mazulu tribe can satisfy her sexually if you do this you have passed and then will be set free.

they throw him in the first hut and after an hour the door comes flying open and he staggers out in a dreadful state, the barrels are empty.

they throw him in the second hut and there is a lot of commotion, growling, snarling and shaking of the hut and after an hour the door bursts open and he comes staggering out, the lion is asleep in the corner.

they throw him in the third hut and after 5 minutes the door bursts open and he staggers out, she has`nt got a rotten tooth he shouts.

mr lugsy · Post by **mr lugsy** » Sat Jan 15, 2011 10:10 pm

Particularly liked the first and last ones gogs.

Gogs · Post by **Gogs** » Sat Jan 15, 2011 10:19 pm

Paddy and Mick are at an interview for labouring jobs,
the interviewer asks paddy knowing he is a bit thick, "hey paddy if you can give me a sentence with the word good in it you can start in the morning"
paddy replies " i have a blue duffle coat and when i wear it i feel really really good"
the interviewer says "great paddy start in the morning and you can send mick in".
paddy says to mick in the corridor knowing he is thick as hell "mick for the question just say i have a blue duffle coat and when i wear it i feel really really good and you will get the job"
mick goes in and the interviewer says "hi mick", "if you can give me a sentence with the word fascinate in it you start in the morning"
mick thinks for a minute and replies, " i have a blue duffle coat and when i wear it i feel really really good it has nine buttons on it with one button missing and i can only fascinate"