I was walking through a multi storey car park the other day when I saw something really stupid. A man reversed his car into a concrete bollard at reasonable speed, got out his car, surveyed the damage and started kicking the concrete bollard. How stupid.
Today I was in the bookies. I'd put on a few small bets, and was waiting to play the AWP (it's an independent as you may have guessed). My previous experience of FOBTs is trying the odd quid on red or black on roulette. After playing numerous bingo, greyhound, horse racing and bizarre spinny disc games, I realised I was about £5 down. No great shakes. However a run of bad luck recently and I'm on MEGA TILT. So I thought, I know, I'll play double up. You know the score, the system that's not a system. £1 on red/black, then £2 e.t.c each time you win you make a quid. It soon gets quite hairy. I'm up to being one quid down.
The final quid. I can win back my final quid and I do. I'm even. Who wants to be even? What's good about being even? Even the tramp in the street who finds 1p is better than even. Let's make one more £1. So I bet red. Around it spins....round and around.......it's black.
So it's £2 on red. Around it spins........around and around.....it's black.
So it's £4 on red. Around it spins.......around and around.....it's black.
So it's £8 on red. Around it spins......around and around......it's black.
So we're out the confort zone. We're into higher than a max stake spin on a cms section 16, but lower than a big pot in low stakes NL Hold 'em.
So for a change it's £16 on black. Around it spins......around and around.....it's red.
So now after bumping a £20 in, it's £32...but what colour to go for?? Maybe it's biased to black? The RNG is biased to black. It must be, so many blacks. This is the emptier. I have an emptier.
£32 on black.....around and around it spins.....I can't look....the old guy is still on the fruit machine........it's red. Emptier for my wallet. I shove in all my £20 notes. How many? Fuck knows. After all the posts on here about these things eating £20 notes. Then that post about the value of money.
Around and around. It's fucking zero. Wank!
I can play a cms Haunted House on £10/spin now and it'll feel like a tuppenny nudger. I remember when playing a tuppenny nudger felt like gambling your life savings away. That's because it pretty well is, was....I've lost the power of speech and coherent thought now. The only language I know is the language of shovelling paper into a slot and ignoring the Romanian/Cossovan bloke telling me that if I bet red it'll come black and if I bet black it'll come red so I must bet £20 on 14 instead as that always wins.
the immigration lawas haev been relaxed enogh to let Spider's (not teh spider on here) foreign relatives into the ocuntry.
^^^^^ I've lapsed into the same mental state there you see...look at all those typos, I'm not correcting them yet. Mushy brains.
So yeah. I calmly play the same game except now it's £5 on this then £10 on that and £20 on that and then and tut and growl and get out another fucking cashcard and my hands shake as I key in the pin.
I look back and see that the £1-£5 even money bets come in about 50% of the time
The £10 even money bets have come in about 20% of the time and I've actually not won a single £20 even money bet, whereby I go back to £5 on red or black. I tried one £37 bet on red and that lost.
I realise the foreign guy is talking sense and I bet £20 on 14 to shut him up. It's red number 36, I was going to bet red anyway. I stare at him and he doesn't go away. So I get up and stare angrily at a race meet sheet feeling the heat and cheat and see he's still staring at me looking at the racing sheet. He tuts and shakes his head. The old guy is still on the fruit machine. Why didn't I just fucking go down Showboat and play On a Roll?
The facts are there in black and red. No Black and white. I've won no fucking bets on even money larger than £15. None at all. What were there? six? No more than that. Look at that wedge you lost you stupid cunt says a nasty voice in my head. Ten? Maybe....About that. Make it twelve. probably. Don't think the fruit machine will pay out that much, even if it streaks its tits off from the very first nudge. In fact I think I've lost more than there is in the hopper, I think as another of the old gits coins clanks onto wood. Perhaps I'll IOU it for £70......should I do one monster bet for £200?? £200 on red....or 14????? Don't be a twat. If you can't win with £20 what chance do you stand with £200?
You've heard the chat about these being rigged. You've heard respected mathematicians like h2 say "Whack a larger amount on red/black and watch it lose."
So. Determined to win a £20 bet...I come up with this ingenious system. I get another £200 from the bank. I've maxed out my cash cards now, so it's time to speak to a cashier.
"Is the cash machine not working?"
"No. I'm a fucking addicted gambler wanker. Give me my money. I'm on SUPER MEGA TILT. MONEY!!! NOW!!!!."
or "Actually I meant to withdraw £450, but didn't realise you could only get £250 from the machine"
"Do you realise you have a large amount on money in this current account? Have you had a financial review recently?"
"It's for a fixed odds betting terminal. I need the money in there for a deposit on a bet on a fixed odds betting terminal."
"Have you considered life insurance?"
"Do you have a credit card?"
"Is this your account?"
"We offer very competitive mortgages..."
"MONEY!!!! I WANT MY FUCKING MONEY!!!!" I scream like a brat, but actually I just smile and agree to look on The Internet about the new life policies and credit cards and priviledge plus saver wankatronic platinum accounts with free breakdown cover and hairdrier assistance on weekdays which goes down like a fart in a Virgin hot air balloon as they don't get their commission and no one is happy.
So I return to the bookies. I think in one fell swoop I've crossed the line from <<EXTREME VIOLENCE GAMBLING LOSS MODE>> whereby you vow to burn the place down and smash all the windows into dejected...the money has gone now, you'll just have to spend two hundred years playing fruit machines to ever win it back again.
I put £20 into one terminal and £20 into the next.
Then I remember <<if you press bet at EXACTLY the same time.....the same number comes out on each terminal>>
This is my ingenious system. I can win a £20 even money bet. I do black on one and red on the other. Surely zero can't pop out five times in a row leaving me with no float for playing fruits?
I try with a quid on each. Same number. Repeat same number. So I step up to £20. Different colour bet on each. Both lose. Repeat. Once winner one loser. Back to a £1 each. Same number. Nearly always same number. £20 each different colours......DOESN'T THIS TELL YOU SOMETHING?!"?
HYPOTHESIS: An RNG is fed to the machine. The machine does what it bloody well wants with RNG and pays out at around 80% incorporating streaky vibes into the payout. Look at the dog games. even if truely random, it's a 'book' that returns around 80% - do the maths. These games are made to pay out around 80%, not 96%!!! If you want proof, surely this it it?? It uses the same random number for £1 even money bets, but on £20 bets it mysteriously uses 'other forces' to generate the number...hence two different results every time!!! Try it and see or not if you have any sense!!! Why on bonus roulette does it display 'Requesting number' on initial spin but not on bonus game? Is the bonus game not random. This is on the ItBOX FOBT.
I put it to you.....that these games ARE NOT FULLY RANDOM and yes I can discuss this all bloody night and I will fight my corner against the purist random mob. There may be games out there which are random, but these are ITboxes supplied by Leisure Link.
Anyway. The old boy finished on Gold Rush and I had nowt bar a few pieces of shrapnel left on me. I whacked it all in and got on the board. £2 and game over. Next board came soon.....got 3 feature shots......gambled on a 1, to a 12....lower to a 4...higher to a 9....lower to a 5....extra life......long story short...got the five nuggets with ease. £40.
Onto normal run, changed £40 into £110.......but that's so little compared to FOBT loss. Never really played these before.
They are horrible and surely rigged at the higher stakes as why display different numbers for same time higher stake bets over two terminals when lower bets display same number?
About ten billion pounds down. Very unhappy. Flame away, I can't feel any worse, but please don't tell me they're not rigged as I will ask for a place to meet you so I can fight you and shout in your face that they are rigged.
Today I find myself in a supermarket, near the concrete bollard in the car park. I find myself at the reductions. How stupid. Economy bread tonight.
By the way, The Nudgeman Christmas story will be on here this year, not Arcadia as that has closed. That's if that's ok with you.
Someone say something.
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