The BFG

[JG]

It was late at night and Rob looked out the window of the caravan. Amongst the soup of cloud there was a definite shape. It moved deftly and quickly, a tall giant like blur with what looked like a trumpet, blowing things through the windows of people's caravans. Curious, Rob strained to look a little bit further, opening the window a smidgeon more. This was possibly a mistake as the dense swell seemingly thinned a little and Rob inadvertently made eye contact with this tall giant like creature. As silent as a mouse, a giant hand pulled Rob through the open aperture and into the cradling grasp of the giant. Damn all this work down the gym and multiple salads. If his man boobs had been larger, they may have prevented him being pulled out the window. The pace was slow at first and Rob was sure he could make out Snowdonia in the distance but it quickly accelerated so that various landmarks were seen. Confusion reigned and what could have been The Mersey was now possibly The Atlantic Ocean and then it became lighter and it was obvious this was desert land. Rob lay as still as possible, cocooned in the gigantic grip, like a very small child on an old, rattly rollercoaster, just hoping not to fall out onto the fast conveying ground underneath. Eventually the pace slowed and the opening of a large cave gradually came into focus.

Could this be The Nudgecave? Rob must have voiced this out loud as the giant responded.

"I do not know of this Nudgecave you speak of, this is my home, the home of the BFG."

"Bell Fruit Games?"

"No you is wrong there, this is the home of the Big Friendly Giant, you see I have to travel to your land every night so as to blow dreams into the homes of people. Sometimes if I see a ratty type player, I'll blow them a humdinger where every deal button is popped on all the Lucky Streaks. If I see a nice kind player I'll blow them a good dream where they get a few go all the ways and £100 boxes"

"That sounds interesting, can we have some snozzcumbers and that fizzy lemonade stuff"

"No we most certainly will not be eating any of that as I have heard it will make you boff quite immensely like a trumpeting elephant with irritable bowels, you may not be partaking in snozzcumbers, seeing as you seems like a decent human bean, I will show you the dreams and then you will be returned to where I found you, but you must promise not to tell any of this to other players"

There were bottles, large bottles, like old apothecary jars that housed gently pulsating jellyfish like structures. More incredible was the distance these jars spanned. One could not see where they started, or finished, they were just swallowed up by darkness as the shelves carried onto infinity.

"What are these ones?"

"It is quite simples, these quiet looking ones are the run of the mill dreams that one is not remembering. You is having the dream and then forgetting about it as you wakes up."

Rob picked up a bottle. A brief description was written in spidery writing on the side. <<You is walking into a pub to play a Triple. It is full but not looking lively. It is non daily refill pub. You get £80 in for phones but on the second deal game it leaves the £25 and £100 box with £25 in the box. You take the deal and it repeats putting you a little bit up>>

Rob quickly got bored reading the descriptions on these dreams. He moved into a darker recess where an epileptic Portugese Man 'O War pulsated madly, almost with a regular thudding sound on the side of the jar. Thankfully it was heavy enough not to fall down off the shelf. <<You is playing Worms on £50 Ultra Spins in the bookies and it keeps giving pointless spins. You do your 2k float into it then you do all the balance in your current account on your debit card. You have to borrow money from your wife, kids and all your friends and you lose all of that. Everyone disowns you and you go home and contemplate suicide>>

That sounded horrible. Rob hastily replaced the bottle.

"Mr BFG? Do you have any.....errr any....you may not know.......any machine X dreams?"

"Oh yes!!! I is loving machine X dreams, there is loads, follow me....."

Rob obediently followed to an oval recess along the cave wall, surrounded by a blue oval light were the machine X dreams.

"They're beautiful aren't they?" said Rob

"Not all of them. There is some humdingers, but have a look at this one.....it is a real porker....."

"I think you mean corker...."

"Not all of us is speaking the Queen's English as good as you is managing, just read the label....."

Rob admired the hypnotic translucent succulence of the gentle synchronised flowing, tumbling rainbow colours. This was sheer bliss. <<You have had a dreary day playing out chipped lived the dreams around the Rugby area, cursing Carl from Daventry, when you stop at a transport cafe in Willoughby. It is well disguised but out the back is a little games area with an old £3 Cops 'n Robbers a £5 Pink Pussy, a £10 Who Dares Wins and a three player Machine X. They are each floated with a grand and you take £200 out of each one. You buy extra sausages and chips with brown and red sauce and gorge yourself silly on bacon rolls. The owner is really friendly and gives you free milkshakes and offers warm congratulations, changing your winnings into crisp £20 notes. He urges you to come back and you can see the games are well played as the pots are all really high. You ask if he has seen any tall Northerners claiming to be from Felixtowe taking the piss and banking them up for silly amounts and he replies no, that is why he is not advertising these machines from the outside.>>

What was that sticky mess? Surely not. There wasn't a buff bloke nearby, yet there was sticky spunk in his budgie smugglers. Onto the next kaleidoscopic recipe of colours.

<<You is gone into The William Hills to check the Lucky 8 pot when you is noticing there is only three fobbie teas and now one machine X. It is on ticket pay and you take a subtle £300 and they pay you no fuss. You is putting the postcode into the shop locator and you do a route of ten Hills. On the tenth shop you ask if they can detect abnormalescences on the machine xs on the main computer. They is saying no as they is not linked up seperately, just combined with the fobble teas so as long as someone is doing brains on roulette you can take the piss. The area manager has said blue is his favourite colour and oval is his favourite shape and the MD of William Hills agrees, so it is likely in the near future all shops with have three machine Xs and one Fob-T, he also tells you that Frank from Felixtowe has self excluded from all William Hills for life>>

As the pant residue became crusty mixed with fresh, he looked around to see if The BFG was watching.

"Of course I is watching you, those machine X dreams are reserved for royalty amongst players, you cannot be filching them and taking thems back to your land as you will lose the meaning of the dream they can only be dreamt if I is blowing them through my trumpet at you....."

"Please please can I have a week of machine X sweet dreams?"

"Maybe, but I is not promising......"


However within the oval recess there was a metal jar.....

"Why is that jar metal?"

"I is hoping you would not see that. It is a humdinger so violent it is smashing through the glass and infecting the atmosfeer with its nasty pustulent content. I is having to keep it uinder secure lock and key. IN fact I is advising you not to even read the label as the description is so nasty."

<<You has just got your girlfriend to work out the machine X empty and is planning on going up the M6 to check for more when a very nosey trucker is seeing you do it and he phones up all his trucker mates and they is all taking the piss and doing them for thousands and it goes critical in 12 hours and they is all chipped>>

Rob went the palest shade of brilliant white and abruptly stopped spunking up his pants.

"That is truly horrible...incinerate it.....boff on it....get rid"

"I can't, if I put it in the fire it puts out the flames. It is very toxic and harmful you cannot be thinking about it any more."

"Can you blow it through Frank's bedroom window?"

"Yes OK then."

"Cheers. Are you giving me a lift back or do I have to walk."

"No I is giving you a lift back, via Felixtowe or maybe Keighley and we is taking this monstrosity. Frank from Felixtowe is going to be very ill for a very long time."

Rob took one last glance at the oval recess. He purloined a small jar with neutral colours. AS they got moving he took a subtle glance and his heart sank.

<<You is pulling in £20 as that is the float but a very bossy elderly woman is telling you not to be walking on the carpet, using the change machine for change or indead breathing in any way shape or form>>

Oh well. It was better than nothing.





"

[dog section]

needs to be narrated on crackanory

[Plumy2k]

Very good jg.