HYDE PARK CORNERED
Somewhere, many feet below the earth there are a series of catacombs. A huge network of tunnels leading to God only knows where exactly. Well someone knows, someone donning a stylish black cape and trousers that are a little bit too tight (but with huge pockets for plenty of coins) that someone is....The Nudgeman. For only he and he alone can navigate the complex labyrinthine mesh of tunnels and appear almost spontaneously at the entrance to any pub, services, train station cafe or arcade. It's a modern age marvel and here we pan in to the festive scene as The Nudgeman contemplates his next hit...
Robin opened up the box of baubles with such aplomb that they skedaddled every which way along various dark tunnels to God only knows where. Nudgeman looked up briefly from his N-phone and looked bemused.
"Oh well, looks like The Whippet and Sixpence in Tufflington Priors will have a few baubles burning in their open fireplace and dare I say it, Leicester Forest East services will have gained some baubles, behind the note recycler on the Northbound side"
Robin puffed his chest out indignantly, the iconic red of his chest making him look invincible.
"Point one. It's alright for you Nudgeman. You're happy to download pointless apps on that N-phone thingymy, whilst I'm working hard to add a touch of festivity to this dank cave. Point two, that tunnel over there does not lead to Leicester Forest East, that goes all the way to Vice Versa in Loughborough and opens up just behind the Seal the Deal, under the stairs."
"Well it's a moot point Robin. A very moot point. Your navigation of my superlative tunnel system has always been second rate. Honestly, you struggle with the London Underground which has a map for God's sake! But, fear not. Some kind soul has you in mind as they have created this wonderful app. Oh yes. You will never get lost again Robin."
"I wish you'd get lost you silly sod. Shut up about such nonsense, this tinsel won't hang itself you know"
"Forget the tinsel. Listen to this. A network of anonymous players have tagged with GPS, every live machine in the UK."
"I can't stand Dond Live, forced roll in wins get on my tits, lowering the % payback of decent wins that you actually want, never puts the £70 in either"
"No you numpty, not Dond LIVE, live as in machines that are currently in service, being sited here there and everywhere, you can find some right gems on this you know"
"What Giant Gems? Jolly Gems? Jackpot Gems?"
"No you thicko, anything anywhere.....name a machine......"
"Oh I dunno, err Mega Deal....you don't see many of them about any more"
"OK I'll key my location into the app and 'Mega Deal', let's see what comes up......"
"I expect it'll give one stupidly obvious location like Cherwell Valley services or something equally dumb"
"Oh no.....oh no no.....already I have 694 Mega Deals I could go and play. Ho Ho and all these suppliers. Look! SE Leisure, NW Leisure, SSW Leisure, Stuck in the bloody Midlands leisure. Then there's Pam, Pauline, Priscilla, Sceptre, Wraith, ghoul, Bob Rudd, Bill Dudd, Mike Fudd...etc need I go on? DO you fancy cold pubs, tepid pubs, luke warm pubs, insane bloody heat pubs? Maybe services? Remote truck stops? hotel lobby’s? Guest house game rooms? Wow! We will clean up on this I tell you."
"Alright. It sounds too good to be true. I think it's a late April Fool. Look at that Hyde Park Corner location...it doesn't give much detail....I mean that sounds a bit wrong. I want to actually SEE this Mega Deal. Let's go play it."
"Ok ye of little faith, I'll have you know I did 35 Red Mists in a day yesterday...no word of a lie"
"Well how much did you make?"
"I can't tell you Robin. It's too much for you to handle."
"Grrr....but we go halves on everything don't we?"
"Oh ok ok they were all 5/10/20 and I had to buy a drink at each one apart from the secret trucker's cafe, but the potential was there"
"Well whatever, let's see this Mega which I doubt even exists, who is the supplier for a start?"
"Oh errr Royal Leisure"
"Tsk, never heard of them, must be made up....let's debunk this stupid app and get back to the very non superheroish A-Z and pencil and paper..."
So our super duo break into a vigorous pace and disappear into one of the many tunnels, guided by the app.
"So are you telling me, these anonymous players have stayed in every flea pit in Blackpool so as they can tag a Pizza The Action or Viva Espagne?"
"You better believe it.....it's amazing.....here we are....I can hear the traffic, this is the entrance to Hyde Park corner, yeah the coast is clear....no one can see us.....we're near the Mega Deal it's in that big massive palatial pub over there...The Buckingham I think it's called....come on, let's cross.....quick!"
"This looks kind of...err...familiar Nudgeman....like I've seen this place before.....maybe I've had heat in here before now"
"Well let's hope not as there are all sorts of suppliers and all sorts of old school playables...quickly, the doors are closed, excellent, we're here before doors, good times"
It turned out the door was ever so slightly ajar.
"I know what has happened here, the landlord...or maybe lady, has opened up and needed to take a quick poo before attending the bar. I think we can safely walk in....order our cheapo cordials and let the rinsing commence. Maybe I'll give a little shout so as they know we're here......SERVICE!"
An elderly gentlemen of not emeritus distinction and poise appeared before the unwitting duo.
"My goodness me! So pleased you could make it. Her Majesty is awaiting your presence, please without delay, let me take you to meet her. Your coats gentlemen?"
"Oh err, no they're kind of sewed onto our skin. Yes...unusual look I know, but err...are her cash pots high?"
"Absolutely Sir! As high as you like. She's not short of a bob or two you know is Her Majesty"
"And err is she full?"
"Oh yes full of beans, such bon viveur today, really looking forward to meeting you...."
"Likewise. And err, may I enquire what's in her box?"
"Well I would say that was her business and her business alone."
"Absolutely, I'll just look down the sides"
"You will DO NO SUCH THING!"
"Of course. Very sorry. A bit fire and all that....yes don't worry we'll keep it low key"
"Well make sure you do. It's about time The Palace had a decent electrician. Don't forget your manners. It's your Majesty when you address her...I should show you up but I have a host of other palatial duties to attend to and the flickering chandelier is getting worse, I don't want to scuff these Berluttis as my way isn't clearly illuminated. It's the second floor, The Green Room, staircase over there on the West Wing. Make sure you knock before you enter."
Nudgeman noticed the high levels of security cameras as he climbed the stairs. Nothing wrong with being security conscious and what had he to fear? This was a legit playing method after all...this place was oozing cash, this Mega Deal or Majesty or whatever people called it would be gagging. No Staffy Bull Terriers here, just a few Corgis nipping about. These punters must be loaded....but meanwhile somewhere else.....
<<MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NUDGEMAN THE GULLIBLE has been TRICKED AGAIN! What a cunning plan. I do amaze myself sometimes. How do I do it? Such genius. As soon as he sets foot in that room, I will trigger a national security alert via this remote device and every SWAT unit in London will have him cornered. Not only that, he'll be in jail for a long, long time. Leaving me all his routes and spoils. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Not long now, look at the Caped Loserader and his hapless sidekick walk into the trap. Even more genius I've contrived an electrical fault and actually sited a Mega Deal and other playables in the Palace. MUHAHAHAHAH! It's the realistic touches that make this set up so funny....I wonder when the penny will drop. He obviously hasn't smelt a rat at all, I even put my name on the app...created by JJ (Jackpot Joker) enterprises....muhahahahaha!"
"They seem to like us here Robin. I mean just checking the app, there's a trail holding Digger over by that banqueting table, there's an unchipped amazing in the wine cellar, a p1 Alien in the third master guest bedroom. Let's not take the piss, let's get this Mega done first...ah this must be the room, flicky chandelier in the corridor, that barman did say something about it getting worse, if I was epileptic I wouldn't be happy, must be dodgy wiring in the ceiling rose, never mind....after you Robin...."
"No you first....."
"Oh if you insist....."
"Funny old pub isn't it? All these nooks crannies and bedrooms and what have you. Very cosy, if a little intimidating in some respects. I mean the wealth of the Landlord or Landlady must be immense. I've seen pubs hang pictures on the walls, but some of these are amazing and look at those chandeliers...wow I wonder if there's a giant Jenga anywhere or an L-shaped pool table? Anyway.....here we are....don't bother knocking, don't want to make the locals suspicious...ah yes, there's the barmaid, let's get out drinks in and then get those cash pots out...I can see a £70 from here......"
"Oh thank goodness. One is most pleased that finally an electrician of distinction can sort out this messus horriblis flickus nightmarus in and outside of this humble palatial room"
"Sorry love, didn't catch all of that. Two blackcurrant cordials please."
Nudgeman's christmas cracker - 2013
"Oh by the way one doesn't keep power tools on the premises. No corded drills here. Maybe Philip might have some in his tool box. I would find him myself but I am afraid this constant flickering has made one rather light headed and dizzy. I believe the chandelier outside is just as bad as well so you'd have to find Phillip yourself"
"What's that love? No drinks? Bah you wanna get yourself some of these black Nudge glasses, blocks out any annoying light BOLLOCKS!! JUST TRIPPED OVER THAT BLOODY CROWN THAT SOME SOD LEFT ON THE FLOOR, soz love. Right, we'll leave the drinks for now.....we'll order some in a bit yeah...."
Come on Robin, let's get cracking. The Mega was playing like a dream, phoning first board, bursting with value. Alas the 'Landlady' was looking on in a curious inquisitive fashion.
"Is that the main fuse box one is repairing there? It looks very complex to one. Lots of flashy buttons and moving parts. Oh one can see the voltage displayed up there....it's on 70 volts at the minute....oh you have it down to 20 volts that seems a lot more safe....you're very good at this....one is most impressed...."
Meanwhile
<<"BLAST! DRAT! CURSES! The security circuit breaker safeguard has kicked in. All that meddling with the electrics and a surge has kicked back and blocked my alarm trigger. I can't fire the security alert. CURSES! No matter. Surely they can't think Nudgeface is a legit sparky for much longer. Special forces will have him in the clink before the day is out....mark my words......muhahahahahah start plan 2! muhahahahahah">>
It was going well. Already the cash pots had been won. Now the afters and it was time to move on...
"One is worried that you are losing focus. This bespoke dress made of Titian hemp dye and hand stitched by Parisian monks is getting rather faded from the continual bright lights. All you seem to be doing is pulling gold bits of metal with my face on from the fuse box, do fuse boxes normally contain that much metal? One is most curious...Even William's money box isn't that full....one is moderately suspicious"
"What you on about love? William's money box? That one of the regulars yeah? Look if he's done his dole, ain't my problem."
The landlady popped on her glasses,
"Oh. That is not the fuse box. It's THAT horrible thing. I don't really approve. That dreadful ghastly thing was installed recently by William, to help raise money for the young Prince George."
"Fear not love, we'll wipe the smile off this William's face. Dodgy suppliers eh? Can't stand 'em myself"
With all the trimmings in Nudgeman's pocket, it was time to bid farewell to the well spoken bar maid who was now inquisitively looking at the untouched fuse box next to the Mega Deal with the note light now extinguished.
"Should get that dodgy chandelier looked at love, might short out the power on The Mega and we wouldn't want that would we....cheerio..."
And with that the duo left, bidding farewell to the stressed looking gentlemen near the door and leaving a very confused and rather concerned 'landlady'.
"Have you sorted the light gentlemen?"
"Oh yes, dry as a bone, not a drop of value left, notey light is off"
"Excellent.....so glad we've found a decent electrician at last. I'm sure we can find something from the wine cellar that will serve as a suitable thank you, just wait there for a moment, I'll fetch a bottle of something extraordinary......"
Meanwhile
<<"CURSES! They're escaping.....well I will just activate plan 2 and drop in myself and personally set off the high security alarm to make sure that pair of clowns are locked up for good. Time to parachute in off my own personal supersonic jet.....just you wait Nudgeman you wont escape this time you dimwit!"
Nudgeman and Robin shuffled around sheepishly in the grand reception room.
"He's taking his time isn't he? That barman. I wonder how big this wine cellar is down there. Must be huge. I mean let's not wait all day, this app is showing a hidden £35 Invincible in Shepherd's Bush, we could walk there or even navigate through the matrix of tunnels and paradoxically travel further but arrive there quicker. Such is the nature of the tunnels Robin. Besides which, this waiting around could be a trap. They may have got the arse about that Mega Deal and we're waiting here for the police. In fact. I think I hear sirens. My Spidey senses.....sorry Nudge senses.....no that doesn't work.....well whatever I think we need to leave and sharpish...quick now Robin."
Meanwhile
<<"CURSES! Blasted parachute....stuck in the chimney, one of many chimneys......spotted by a guard....this is NOT going to plan....IT'S ALL A MISTAKE....IT'S THE DODGY ELECTRICIAN IN THE STRANGE BLACK ATTIRE YOU WANT TO ARREST, NOT ME....NOOOOOO! THIS IS A BIG MISTAKE!!!!">>
"What's that wailing Nudgeman?"
"Oh I don't know, Prince Harry doing his plums on that Mega.....come on.....this could be fire....the sirens are getting closer, let's make an exit, there's a bit of tunnel just over there by that chap in the strange tall furry hat.....quick......."
Later on our superhero duo put their feet up and watch the news with bemusement as the scenes unfold to show The Jackpot Joker, poking out a chimney as various police helicopters, SWAT teams and special forces close in.
"I don't know what he was doing, but this cranberry sauce is amazing Robin, well done....oh hold on....that's the Nudgerock rapping.....at this time?"
Nudgeman heaved open the irregular rocky door.
"Monarch electrical repair services here....err got a call from an Elizabeth at something or other Palace....bit of a mix up on the Sat Nav, the GPS is all messed up today for some reason, lots of extra dodgy signal in the air, I think it's here....you expecting an electrician?"
"Nope sorry. Pity, there was a barmaid in the pub on Hyde Park corner could have done with your services earlier....flicking chandelier...never mind...see ya"
"Ha ha fancy that.....oh well, it's getting late, I think I'll just put it down to a prank call, get back to see my kids open the presents. You take care now....Merry Christmas to you...."
And Merry Christmas to you Nudgefans as well, here's to a prosperous 2014 filled with uber duuba rips, empties, blips and tips.
Oh wait.
I had to do two more bloody stories. I spent too much time on the first one. I'm not one to renege on my promise of a Nudgeman trio though. So here goes.
BRAINS!
Oh the moans the groans, the sorrowful wailing and the steady but persistent hammering on the cave walls. It was apocalyptic. Nudgeman and Robin huddled together. The end was near. They were counting the days. Whilst the entrance was sturdy it couldn't hold back these undead creatures for ever and food supplies were running low.
"BRAINS!" came the continuous tortured cries.
These creatures were hungry and no doubt about that.
Meanwhile somewhere else.
After seven days and seven nights, BFK had obtained the gold pot on the Pure Pots. 31 bronzes. 31 bloody bronzes. It'd never happen to Buddylove. Bleary eyed and more than a tad cheesed off, he cashed in the £508.20 ticket. Finally. Persistence had paid off, even he, BFK could get the gold when the situation required it.
"Brains!" called the hungry vultures.
"Oh piss off, I only did 17k for the gold, hardly one of my worse sessions. Luis Suarez!"
"Yes he's got a point" echoed the morose voices in unison.
The bookies closed. The punters dispersed and the morose creatures moaning about "BRAINS!" were finally silent.
Eventually Nudgeman rushed to the newsagents to get a copy of The Daily Bar and some much needed sustenance.
"Oh, looks like the zombie apocalypse is over Robin, safe to come out again...."
BFK woke up in a cold sweat. That £500 silver was coming out like it or loathe it. Robin Van Persie. Imagine if Buddylove won it off his first score. Thierry Henry. Bill Oddie.
The apocalypse was starting again and this time Nudgeman and Robin didn't survive it, in fact they both starved to death in their own kitchen. A partially eaten pair of Nudgeboots and a fully drunk Glade air freshener testament to their final few days. Those that have not succumbed to BRAINS! can only speculate at the Coral share price. Needless to say it's in the FTSE-1 and we can still hear the cry of BRAINS! at the cave entrance.
INTERGALACTIC HEAT!
The whole of planet earth was 5/10/20d. Or in today's terms £25/£70/£69d. There was only one place left to go. Outer space. This meant hooking up with his old chum, Zarquon Nudgebuster. A trip to Jupiter was in order, for they had heard there was a red boxing Perfect Deal that they could run rings around. However on getting closer to the surface, the temperature probes were reading almost 9000 degrees Celsius and the atmosphere was bad.
"This is fire isn't it?"
"Yeah. Mega heat. Let's try the Red Mist on Mars."
"ok"
THE END
HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!
"What's that love? No drinks? Bah you wanna get yourself some of these black Nudge glasses, blocks out any annoying light BOLLOCKS!! JUST TRIPPED OVER THAT BLOODY CROWN THAT SOME SOD LEFT ON THE FLOOR, soz love. Right, we'll leave the drinks for now.....we'll order some in a bit yeah...."
Come on Robin, let's get cracking. The Mega was playing like a dream, phoning first board, bursting with value. Alas the 'Landlady' was looking on in a curious inquisitive fashion.
"Is that the main fuse box one is repairing there? It looks very complex to one. Lots of flashy buttons and moving parts. Oh one can see the voltage displayed up there....it's on 70 volts at the minute....oh you have it down to 20 volts that seems a lot more safe....you're very good at this....one is most impressed...."
Meanwhile
<<"BLAST! DRAT! CURSES! The security circuit breaker safeguard has kicked in. All that meddling with the electrics and a surge has kicked back and blocked my alarm trigger. I can't fire the security alert. CURSES! No matter. Surely they can't think Nudgeface is a legit sparky for much longer. Special forces will have him in the clink before the day is out....mark my words......muhahahahahah start plan 2! muhahahahahah">>
It was going well. Already the cash pots had been won. Now the afters and it was time to move on...
"One is worried that you are losing focus. This bespoke dress made of Titian hemp dye and hand stitched by Parisian monks is getting rather faded from the continual bright lights. All you seem to be doing is pulling gold bits of metal with my face on from the fuse box, do fuse boxes normally contain that much metal? One is most curious...Even William's money box isn't that full....one is moderately suspicious"
"What you on about love? William's money box? That one of the regulars yeah? Look if he's done his dole, ain't my problem."
The landlady popped on her glasses,
"Oh. That is not the fuse box. It's THAT horrible thing. I don't really approve. That dreadful ghastly thing was installed recently by William, to help raise money for the young Prince George."
"Fear not love, we'll wipe the smile off this William's face. Dodgy suppliers eh? Can't stand 'em myself"
With all the trimmings in Nudgeman's pocket, it was time to bid farewell to the well spoken bar maid who was now inquisitively looking at the untouched fuse box next to the Mega Deal with the note light now extinguished.
"Should get that dodgy chandelier looked at love, might short out the power on The Mega and we wouldn't want that would we....cheerio..."
And with that the duo left, bidding farewell to the stressed looking gentlemen near the door and leaving a very confused and rather concerned 'landlady'.
"Have you sorted the light gentlemen?"
"Oh yes, dry as a bone, not a drop of value left, notey light is off"
"Excellent.....so glad we've found a decent electrician at last. I'm sure we can find something from the wine cellar that will serve as a suitable thank you, just wait there for a moment, I'll fetch a bottle of something extraordinary......"
Meanwhile
<<"CURSES! They're escaping.....well I will just activate plan 2 and drop in myself and personally set off the high security alarm to make sure that pair of clowns are locked up for good. Time to parachute in off my own personal supersonic jet.....just you wait Nudgeman you wont escape this time you dimwit!"
Nudgeman and Robin shuffled around sheepishly in the grand reception room.
"He's taking his time isn't he? That barman. I wonder how big this wine cellar is down there. Must be huge. I mean let's not wait all day, this app is showing a hidden £35 Invincible in Shepherd's Bush, we could walk there or even navigate through the matrix of tunnels and paradoxically travel further but arrive there quicker. Such is the nature of the tunnels Robin. Besides which, this waiting around could be a trap. They may have got the arse about that Mega Deal and we're waiting here for the police. In fact. I think I hear sirens. My Spidey senses.....sorry Nudge senses.....no that doesn't work.....well whatever I think we need to leave and sharpish...quick now Robin."
Meanwhile
<<"CURSES! Blasted parachute....stuck in the chimney, one of many chimneys......spotted by a guard....this is NOT going to plan....IT'S ALL A MISTAKE....IT'S THE DODGY ELECTRICIAN IN THE STRANGE BLACK ATTIRE YOU WANT TO ARREST, NOT ME....NOOOOOO! THIS IS A BIG MISTAKE!!!!">>
"What's that wailing Nudgeman?"
"Oh I don't know, Prince Harry doing his plums on that Mega.....come on.....this could be fire....the sirens are getting closer, let's make an exit, there's a bit of tunnel just over there by that chap in the strange tall furry hat.....quick......."
Later on our superhero duo put their feet up and watch the news with bemusement as the scenes unfold to show The Jackpot Joker, poking out a chimney as various police helicopters, SWAT teams and special forces close in.
"I don't know what he was doing, but this cranberry sauce is amazing Robin, well done....oh hold on....that's the Nudgerock rapping.....at this time?"
Nudgeman heaved open the irregular rocky door.
"Monarch electrical repair services here....err got a call from an Elizabeth at something or other Palace....bit of a mix up on the Sat Nav, the GPS is all messed up today for some reason, lots of extra dodgy signal in the air, I think it's here....you expecting an electrician?"
"Nope sorry. Pity, there was a barmaid in the pub on Hyde Park corner could have done with your services earlier....flicking chandelier...never mind...see ya"
"Ha ha fancy that.....oh well, it's getting late, I think I'll just put it down to a prank call, get back to see my kids open the presents. You take care now....Merry Christmas to you...."
And Merry Christmas to you Nudgefans as well, here's to a prosperous 2014 filled with uber duuba rips, empties, blips and tips.
Oh wait.
I had to do two more bloody stories. I spent too much time on the first one. I'm not one to renege on my promise of a Nudgeman trio though. So here goes.
BRAINS!
Oh the moans the groans, the sorrowful wailing and the steady but persistent hammering on the cave walls. It was apocalyptic. Nudgeman and Robin huddled together. The end was near. They were counting the days. Whilst the entrance was sturdy it couldn't hold back these undead creatures for ever and food supplies were running low.
"BRAINS!" came the continuous tortured cries.
These creatures were hungry and no doubt about that.
Meanwhile somewhere else.
After seven days and seven nights, BFK had obtained the gold pot on the Pure Pots. 31 bronzes. 31 bloody bronzes. It'd never happen to Buddylove. Bleary eyed and more than a tad cheesed off, he cashed in the £508.20 ticket. Finally. Persistence had paid off, even he, BFK could get the gold when the situation required it.
"Brains!" called the hungry vultures.
"Oh piss off, I only did 17k for the gold, hardly one of my worse sessions. Luis Suarez!"
"Yes he's got a point" echoed the morose voices in unison.
The bookies closed. The punters dispersed and the morose creatures moaning about "BRAINS!" were finally silent.
Eventually Nudgeman rushed to the newsagents to get a copy of The Daily Bar and some much needed sustenance.
"Oh, looks like the zombie apocalypse is over Robin, safe to come out again...."
BFK woke up in a cold sweat. That £500 silver was coming out like it or loathe it. Robin Van Persie. Imagine if Buddylove won it off his first score. Thierry Henry. Bill Oddie.
The apocalypse was starting again and this time Nudgeman and Robin didn't survive it, in fact they both starved to death in their own kitchen. A partially eaten pair of Nudgeboots and a fully drunk Glade air freshener testament to their final few days. Those that have not succumbed to BRAINS! can only speculate at the Coral share price. Needless to say it's in the FTSE-1 and we can still hear the cry of BRAINS! at the cave entrance.
INTERGALACTIC HEAT!
The whole of planet earth was 5/10/20d. Or in today's terms £25/£70/£69d. There was only one place left to go. Outer space. This meant hooking up with his old chum, Zarquon Nudgebuster. A trip to Jupiter was in order, for they had heard there was a red boxing Perfect Deal that they could run rings around. However on getting closer to the surface, the temperature probes were reading almost 9000 degrees Celsius and the atmosphere was bad.
"This is fire isn't it?"
"Yeah. Mega heat. Let's try the Red Mist on Mars."
"ok"
THE END
HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!
JG
-
Roll_With_It_Russ
- Senior Member
- Posts: 783
- Joined: Tue Dec 20, 2011 10:51 pm