PART ONE.
The advert HAD to go in the paper. He needed an assistant, preferably one who was subserviant to the requirements of an AWping superhero. It was like a lover's tiff without any of the loving. They say familiarity breeds contempt and so it had. Contempt for his faithful trusty assistant Robin who had to breathe. Just the breathing was enough to drive him mad. And the way he ate his Nudgeflakes so noisily in the morning. If you mentioned the fact that the top was always left off the Nudgepaste, then the blood really started to boil.
As money was tight, the ad simpy read, "New Robin required, must be reliant"
There was a knock knock at the cave entrance.
"Ow! Me knuckles, damn....I've scratched my man bag......boffs a bit in here doesn't it?....laaaaa.....eh mate...mate..EH MATE!....anyone at home like?!?"
"Alright alright I'm coming....I'm coming....what on earth is that peculiar accent?.....oh do come in" Nudgeman grumpily thudded to the cave entrance
"Hi! I'm ROBin from the Wirral like, I was about to die of exhaustion, my man bag weighs a ton, the Jackpot King in Corley services was on £126, decided to wrap it round, made a quick monkey laaaa like you know...pleased to meet you, you must be the legendary Nudgeman...Phoooeeeeeeee your trainers boff a bit man, 'scuse me I'll just spray this air sanitiser.....STAND BACK.......oh I'm gay by the way, YES a homosexual....is that a problem? No didn't think it would be......EH MATE.....eh......is there time to hop in the shower?, I haven't washed for two hours and I've got some indulgent invigorating manly mineral body wash...hey have you got Egyptian cotton towels?"
"Oh errr....no...I think they're Primark own make 50% polyester cheap generic unbranded towels....."
"Oh for flip's sake Nudgeman, you're a multi-hundredaire, you should have some proper towels...when was the last time you dusted that bookcase?"
As the now incumbent figure made a beeline for the Nudgebath, Nudgeman pondered on the man bag. Was it a regional thing? This new ROBin never came up for breath. Something about being gay. Oh well, shouldn't matter, raking in the Nudgemoolah was the main thing. He should fit in alright, seems happy and obliging, didn't notice any annoying breathing. Probably being gay would mean the top would always be put back on the Nudgepaste. Happy days.
Nudgeman stoked up the fire (actually a Nudgefire, but this Nudgeprefixing is getting a tad annoying) and lay back and relaxed. It had been a good year over all. There had been high points and low points. Firstly he cast his mind back to the low points. Ah yes. The night he unplugged the Red Mist in Leicester Forest East and erected a tent in its place to stake out the Jackpot King. He gradually drifted into a story dream sequence...the images becoming more and more Vivid when...
"Hey laaaaa eh mate.....proper mouldy shower you've got there, you're getting more water off the stalagtites than the shower head...you wanna get that fixed, my brothers a plumber you know..he'd come down and fix it for ya but he's inside at the moment...six months for stealing some novelty golf balls from JJB...he's a good lad at heart he only wanted to give them away as a present...hey you're buying into this....f*** off...not all us Scousers are like that y'know!!! I can't believe you're buying into this....lucky I interrupted you going into that dream sequence. What was it that happened??...I saw the dream bubble, you had a tent up and that horrible old Darth Vader woman was croaking at ya saying laaaaa eh mate you can't put a tent up there, that Red Mist 50p cashpot is on £12.40 some players might want to session it......you'll have to leave if you haven't got ID laaaaaaa eh mate eh mate eh mate calm down eh mate"
"Ah yes. that fateful night. The cashpot was on £234. Rather too low. I was with captain Discipline and we were waiting for the pot to reach £498 before taking it on. However we knew that some Brighton players or Cashpot Kesh would be along to bravely quest for the spoils. I had a circuit breaker hidden within the tent and some tranquiliser darts. We were ready to jump on when the pot got big enough. However it went wrong. Captain Discipline had a coolant leak on his Fiat 10cc and he was topping that up and I must admit I was a tad tired....I drifted off......PARP PARP PAAAA PARP.....I failed to hear Kesh sneak in and pop a pound into....."
"Eh laaa get on with it will ya? The story ends with you getting that hideous brass statue on the Mantlepiece there.....I can still see the dream bubble"
"Yeah basically, that's right.....pretty much the thread I promised BFK in VIP....to cut to the chase yeah.....that's a bronze idol of Cashpot Kesh.....you just give it a rub with this oily rag and Cashpot Kesh will speak........"
"Proper hideous that laaa.....hey let me try...."
<<Who are you calling hideous? Man bags are for queers. I hate Liverpool. Kesh has spoken>>
"I'd suggest you don't rub the statue again. I save it for times of mania and crazy elation. It's a great way of bringing yourself back down to earth."
"F*ck that, that bastard idol is going in the bin."
"No no, I can't allow that, he's instrumental to this story the UNOFFICIAL Nudgeman Christmas Story 2012."
<<I know you like hanging around the back of clubs near the bins gay boy, but I am the mighty Kesh, I stay up here looking down on you idiots>>
"Hey I didn't rub him that time....he can't speak"
"Well he just did...he is the mighty Kesh after all, he shouldn't have to wait for you of all people to rub him with the oily rag"
"F*ck this laaaa calm down...eh mate wanna buy a car stereo?....no just kidding that's a stupid 90s stereotype.....laa laaaa.....nah I like saying laaa a lot, don't know why.....guess I liked the Sound of Music or something...Doooee ray Mee laaaa....."
"Talking of doe or even dough, fancy a trial run? A chance to prove your metal as my assistant? A chance to go out and make some serious money?"
"Yes. I'm up for it. Sure me being gay doesn't bother you? Nah it shouldn't. I'm just here for a laff and a bit of munting and prunting. Besides which you need to trim your nasal hair, there's no way I'd get into bed with you....."
"Prunting?"
"Yeah pro munting... like pieing out a Rainbow Riches £500 POG, but doing it in the style of Buddylove, ie a professional pie-ist.....prunting....it's like munting, but way more profitable"
"I see. Very well, and errr I like my nasal hair long thankyou very much"
Right, well here we are in the Nudgemobile, I have to drive of course, but you're the navigator. Usually I'd stop off for the Red Mist in the City Arms then head off to the Machine X in Nudgington Quicksilver......
"F*ck that right off Nudgeman, we're going to Mecca Bingo they've got community Boogie Nights, Solid Gold deluxes, Diva's Reels and a Spinwall £70. Plus the membership card is a lovely shade of pink."
"Oh...welll...uncoventional.....but let's see......"
2 hours later.....
"Oh we'll have to tell them the coin recycler has run out of notes"
"I can't believe your luck...."
"I know...I'm not really that lucky, let's try this £35 Big Reds whilst we wait for a mechanic to surface....."
<<I think you're going to go away with rather a huge, huge sum of money......>>
Back in the car park the suspension creaked and groaned.
"Wowsers!" exclaimed Nudgeman, "I've had days where the coins make the suspension groan but never the notes....."
"Oh no laaaa eh mate.......that's Captain Discipline's Fiat 10cc in the slot next to us....I think she must be dressed as Catwoman..windows are a bit steamy"
Back at the Nudgecave.....
"Eh la....whaddya think? Were you happy with the profits......?"
"More than happy. No stupid heat, lots of luck, laughs, banter and best of all really decent profit going halves.....see you bright and early, 7am tomorrow...."
"Alright Nudgeman, take care, been great meeting you laaaaa eh mate mate see ya tomorrow"
Nudgeman retired to bed with his glass of Bell's Fruits finest malt whisky. Life was looking rosy. No boring chore like runs sessioning out Mists and Megas.....ha.....he'd blow 'em all out the water with this new ROBin. Could he handle the gay thing? Yeah, of course he could. It was the naughties. How current, how contempary to be a superhero with a homosexual accomplice in tow. Yeah he left the competition standing.....you laugh now Cashpot Kesh.....you laugh now......
<<Spinwall £70....ha ha sick player!!>>
....grrrrr......curse that blasted idol......still the whisky made everything rosy and Nudgeman settled into a deep sleep.......
BRIIIIIING!!!! BRIIIIIING! Christ who was ringing up at 2am?
"Hi! It's me ROBin.....you'll never believe this....I'm on the Jackpot Party Website and I've just got freespins on Zeus for £1000 on £2 stake........"
"Hey that's really good, I mean I was asleep, but I'm pleased for you, really pleased....good on ya.....happy punting....prunting...whatever it is you're doing now that is...."
Official Nudgeman 2012 Christmas Story
PART TWO
"Hey that's really good, I mean I was asleep, but I'm pleased for you, really pleased....good on ya.....happy punting....prunting...whatever it is you're doing now that is...."
BRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!!!
"Hi I know it's nearly 3am really sorry to phone, but I had to tell you this laaaaa Nudgeman......three chests trigger on Bruce Lee, £3 stake....how much?"
"Errrr....YAAWWWWN....errr £50?"
"No no no. Laaa....Three chest trigger all wild symbols......£10,000...TEN THOUSAND SHEETS EH MATE la.....TEN THOUSAND....I'm proper made up like!!!!"
"Well hey nice one.....just don't put it all back and get some sleep yeah?"
BRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!
"FOR GOD'S SAKE IT'S FOUR AM!!!!"
"I know, but listen to this Nudgeman....listen to this...are you listening laaa eh mate? Progressive on Ruby Slippers......guess how many stars....?"
"Seven? None? two million? One thousand?.One hundred?.Twenty?"
"No you can't get seven stars.....I got four stars.....I got the top progressive.....and the wild feature.....£50,000 in my account laaa......oooh I'm so excited, I'm shaking......are you excited Nudgeman?"
"GRRRR! I'd JUST LIKE SOME SLEEP. HOOOO F*CKING RAY. YOU WON SOME MONEY. NOW GOOD NIGHT"
5am and BRIIIING! BRIIING!
This had better not be......
"Ahoooo laaaaaaaaaaa get the f*ck in there....you'll never guess what now,,,,GUESS WHAT just happened....AHOOO laaa calm down.....trying to calm meself down laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"
"I have no f*cking idea and I DO NOT CARE!!"
"Oooh no need to be like that Nudgeman, just keeping you updated.....you'll never guess what, I just won an all expenses paid holiday to St Lucia for two weeks.....free on line promo for loyal customers of Jackpot Party......ahooooo....CONGRATULATIONS!!!....WINNER .....GOOD WIN!!!!!!"
"RIGHT!!!! I CAN TAKE NO MORE LUCK STORIES. IT'S LIKE HAVING LIQUID BUDDYLOVE INTRAVENOUSLY INJECTED INTO MY BRAIN. WHY DON'T YOU TAKE YOUR SODDING MAN BAG AND KEEP THE &*%$ OUT OF MY CAVE!!!! ROBin.....YOU'RE FIRED!!!!!!"
<<Too right. You can take that cork out your backside now.>>
That bloomin' idol, he makes Eric Bristow look like Ronald McDonald on happy pills.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The reflection in the mirror was not pretty. He had heard of people getting bags under their eyes after a night of poor sleep. Never mind bags, this was an entire luggage carousel. Even a major caffeine hit wouldn't prepare him for the day ahead. He really hoped a super reliable Robin would knock the rock to the cave any moment now......
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!!!!
Right on cue.
Tired and aching, Nudgeman for the second day heaved open the portal.
"Hello?"
"Good day. My name is rOBin. I am applying for the position advertised in the Skillstop Chronicle."
"Ah welcome. You're not from Liverpool are you?"
"Oh Christ no. No. No. I'm from Eight Elms. A prestigious, highly prestigious area of Kent, located conveniently near the M25. Heaven forbid you think I reside anywhere up North."
The jovial character guffawed.....
"Can I just check....are you gay?"
"Oh No no no. UBER no. I'm not homophobic, but UBER no, I can't imagine being gay......."
"Oh good....I'm not homophobic either, but I do have a very homophobic idol above my fireplace.....it's a long story that never got posted in VIP....."
"Oh that's OK then. That's the smalltalkathon over with then....let's get down to formalities...."
"Absolutely, would you like some tea and bisuits?"
"Oh yes, that sounds like a brilliant idea...."
The more Nudgeman talked to rOBin, the better things sounded. A player of pedigree and morals and standards.
"If there's one thing I wont abide it's NAUGHTINESS or tooling of any kind" asserted rOBin over his Earl Grey tea, "oh NO ....absolutely NO NAUGHTINESS for me.....my spoils are from squeaky clean playing....."
"Oh good stuff, fancy some Wheatcroftabix for breakfast?"
"HEAVENS NO! What NAUGHTINESS. I'll have none of that naughtiness. I prefer a squeaky clean Bonvita Dond live yoghurt breakfast bar."
"You're in luck I've got these on offer £2 for four. Live yoghurt, your favourite."
"OH NO NO NO! That would make it a Bonvita live yoghurt breakfast £2 bar and that is UBER NAUGHTINESS. NO I'll have some tap water and an apple please. No naughtiness for me...oh would you care to show me where your washroom is located?"
"Oh absolutely, through the main hall, past the idol of Cashpot Kesh and first door on the left"
rOBin strolled noncholantly through the cave. Where on God's earth was this place? It sure as hell wasn't anything like Eight Elms. How dingy and mouldy for a start. Rather disappointing, he had expected Nudgeman to have more money than this. Perhaps that Stan James Hi Lo Gambler scandal in the Daily Bar was actually true. Where where the bloody spoils? The f*ing riches? The sodding loadsamoney? The blasted moolah?
<<POMPOUS PRICK!!!>>
"Oh charming....a foul mouthed statue....."
<<I'm not a statue you posh prat. I am the mighty Kesh, an idol. Idolise me. I have spoken.>>
rOBin hurried on to the washroom before any more p based alliterative insults could be hurled in his direction by seemingly inanimate objects.
He hurried back, his ears meeting with a pleasant silence from above the fireplace.
"Aha there you are......no time like the present....it's 2pm.....well overdue we start a run"
"Oh good GOD no, what an uber early start to the day, practically doors....oh well...."
"Yes this is your trial run rOBin, to see how well you cope with the rigours of a superhero AWP playing lifestyle...."
"Oh pretty well I'd imagine hey ho.....let's crack on......"
And so the two characters left the dingy cave behind as the rock rumbled shut they made towards the parked Nudgemobile
"OH MY GOOD GOD. What is that ancient pile of rubbish? Surely I'm not expected to drive that?"
"That is the NUDGEMOBILE. A trusty piece of automotive history"
"Well it looks UBER rubbish. A right boneshakerathon. Let's take my ten litre Mercedes for a spin. It's UBER fast let me tell you and definitely better than Kesh's 04 plate Audi."
"There came some muffled shouting from underneath the rock, but no one heard it as the exhaust rumbled into life"
"JUST as well I'm driving to be honest. I hear you're UBER RUBBISH with NAVIGATION. They tell me Nudgeman couldn't navigate his way around Halfords to the Sat Navs. That's if you believe the scandal in The Daily Bar where you got yourself lost and had to buy a Sat Nav to get out of the store"
"Grrrrrr"
"Well do prey tell us where we're going Nudgeman"
"Well ok if I were to volunteer a pleasant starting hit, how about the 'See ya next time' in the Fire and Flames pub on the Incendary estate? It's mega heat, but it'll test your fettle and your metal."
"Oh I see. You think as I'm from Eight Elms I'll baulk at an estate pub. Well let me tell you I've been in some pretty rough Harvesters in my time, so I'm well prepared for this...."
The two characters strolled into the rough estate pub. The last remnants of the die hard alcoholics who still had a bit of functioning liver staring at the outsiders. There was an awkward silence.
"Let me handle this Nudgeman....two pina coladas please bar woman and quick fast please....."
Stony Silence.
"We daaarnt 'ave penis colorados, just export strength premium export lightening cider lagermeisters in cans....take it or leave it....."
"Ok two of those please..."
Nudgeman was already on the See ya next time, expert presses, he knew all the moves, board types, set ups, rips.......
"YAAAAAAWWWWWNNNNNN Oh my these are so boring, I caaaan't be bothered to watch you play this.....I'm going to sit in the car and play Stan James Hi Lo Gambler on my phone......"
£20 in for £70 out, a few dead end stares, a healthy dose of mega evil heat and thankfully a clear exit out and Nudgeman briskly stepped back to the Merc.
"Slight problemo....we're 3k involved......"
Like a poorly fitted timing belt, Nudgeman's circulation jumped up to his throat, tried to strangle him. His organs jolted out his body at alarming angles.
"You what?"
"Oh it's usually worth a munt, I had 6k on a 2 we could have been 3k up but I went higher and it was another 2.....I'm chasing the £15k max now"
Nudgeman had lost the power of speech. However he wasn't regaining it anytime soon.
The next hit was a tucked blinker that flookered and quiggled successfully for only £20 in. However it was a pikey supplier, who had also put a Find the Lady the other side of the bar.
"Oh Blast....it climbed to £35 first go with three jokers on the climb, I mean you never seen three jokers and then I was on a queen and it went lower for king...."
"How much are we involved?"
"Oh I don't know....you're not one of these dreadful players who bothers counting are you?"
The next hit was an arcade shiffly shufflety shuffler, again a surprising £50 raise.
"Well we made £50, are you going to lose a quick bag in something? Maybe a £500 Rainbow Riches?"
"Oh no"
"Good, let me just change this money up with the assistant"
Nudgeman turned around and heard the sound of coins rattling into a Bar-X lo tech set to £1 play.
"Well it was full........it's an UBER eatathon unfortunately, we're £200 involved........."
"FOR GOD'S SAKE CAN YOU NOT CONTROL YOUR MUNTING FOR ONE SECOND?"
"Oh no. Not really. i just love an UBER munt when I'm out and about, particularly with you. I decided I really want an UBER munt as my normal playing partner will not allow it."
"Hey that's really good, I mean I was asleep, but I'm pleased for you, really pleased....good on ya.....happy punting....prunting...whatever it is you're doing now that is...."
BRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!!!
"Hi I know it's nearly 3am really sorry to phone, but I had to tell you this laaaaa Nudgeman......three chests trigger on Bruce Lee, £3 stake....how much?"
"Errrr....YAAWWWWN....errr £50?"
"No no no. Laaa....Three chest trigger all wild symbols......£10,000...TEN THOUSAND SHEETS EH MATE la.....TEN THOUSAND....I'm proper made up like!!!!"
"Well hey nice one.....just don't put it all back and get some sleep yeah?"
BRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!
"FOR GOD'S SAKE IT'S FOUR AM!!!!"
"I know, but listen to this Nudgeman....listen to this...are you listening laaa eh mate? Progressive on Ruby Slippers......guess how many stars....?"
"Seven? None? two million? One thousand?.One hundred?.Twenty?"
"No you can't get seven stars.....I got four stars.....I got the top progressive.....and the wild feature.....£50,000 in my account laaa......oooh I'm so excited, I'm shaking......are you excited Nudgeman?"
"GRRRR! I'd JUST LIKE SOME SLEEP. HOOOO F*CKING RAY. YOU WON SOME MONEY. NOW GOOD NIGHT"
5am and BRIIIING! BRIIING!
This had better not be......
"Ahoooo laaaaaaaaaaa get the f*ck in there....you'll never guess what now,,,,GUESS WHAT just happened....AHOOO laaa calm down.....trying to calm meself down laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"
"I have no f*cking idea and I DO NOT CARE!!"
"Oooh no need to be like that Nudgeman, just keeping you updated.....you'll never guess what, I just won an all expenses paid holiday to St Lucia for two weeks.....free on line promo for loyal customers of Jackpot Party......ahooooo....CONGRATULATIONS!!!....WINNER .....GOOD WIN!!!!!!"
"RIGHT!!!! I CAN TAKE NO MORE LUCK STORIES. IT'S LIKE HAVING LIQUID BUDDYLOVE INTRAVENOUSLY INJECTED INTO MY BRAIN. WHY DON'T YOU TAKE YOUR SODDING MAN BAG AND KEEP THE &*%$ OUT OF MY CAVE!!!! ROBin.....YOU'RE FIRED!!!!!!"
<<Too right. You can take that cork out your backside now.>>
That bloomin' idol, he makes Eric Bristow look like Ronald McDonald on happy pills.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The reflection in the mirror was not pretty. He had heard of people getting bags under their eyes after a night of poor sleep. Never mind bags, this was an entire luggage carousel. Even a major caffeine hit wouldn't prepare him for the day ahead. He really hoped a super reliable Robin would knock the rock to the cave any moment now......
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!!!!
Right on cue.
Tired and aching, Nudgeman for the second day heaved open the portal.
"Hello?"
"Good day. My name is rOBin. I am applying for the position advertised in the Skillstop Chronicle."
"Ah welcome. You're not from Liverpool are you?"
"Oh Christ no. No. No. I'm from Eight Elms. A prestigious, highly prestigious area of Kent, located conveniently near the M25. Heaven forbid you think I reside anywhere up North."
The jovial character guffawed.....
"Can I just check....are you gay?"
"Oh No no no. UBER no. I'm not homophobic, but UBER no, I can't imagine being gay......."
"Oh good....I'm not homophobic either, but I do have a very homophobic idol above my fireplace.....it's a long story that never got posted in VIP....."
"Oh that's OK then. That's the smalltalkathon over with then....let's get down to formalities...."
"Absolutely, would you like some tea and bisuits?"
"Oh yes, that sounds like a brilliant idea...."
The more Nudgeman talked to rOBin, the better things sounded. A player of pedigree and morals and standards.
"If there's one thing I wont abide it's NAUGHTINESS or tooling of any kind" asserted rOBin over his Earl Grey tea, "oh NO ....absolutely NO NAUGHTINESS for me.....my spoils are from squeaky clean playing....."
"Oh good stuff, fancy some Wheatcroftabix for breakfast?"
"HEAVENS NO! What NAUGHTINESS. I'll have none of that naughtiness. I prefer a squeaky clean Bonvita Dond live yoghurt breakfast bar."
"You're in luck I've got these on offer £2 for four. Live yoghurt, your favourite."
"OH NO NO NO! That would make it a Bonvita live yoghurt breakfast £2 bar and that is UBER NAUGHTINESS. NO I'll have some tap water and an apple please. No naughtiness for me...oh would you care to show me where your washroom is located?"
"Oh absolutely, through the main hall, past the idol of Cashpot Kesh and first door on the left"
rOBin strolled noncholantly through the cave. Where on God's earth was this place? It sure as hell wasn't anything like Eight Elms. How dingy and mouldy for a start. Rather disappointing, he had expected Nudgeman to have more money than this. Perhaps that Stan James Hi Lo Gambler scandal in the Daily Bar was actually true. Where where the bloody spoils? The f*ing riches? The sodding loadsamoney? The blasted moolah?
<<POMPOUS PRICK!!!>>
"Oh charming....a foul mouthed statue....."
<<I'm not a statue you posh prat. I am the mighty Kesh, an idol. Idolise me. I have spoken.>>
rOBin hurried on to the washroom before any more p based alliterative insults could be hurled in his direction by seemingly inanimate objects.
He hurried back, his ears meeting with a pleasant silence from above the fireplace.
"Aha there you are......no time like the present....it's 2pm.....well overdue we start a run"
"Oh good GOD no, what an uber early start to the day, practically doors....oh well...."
"Yes this is your trial run rOBin, to see how well you cope with the rigours of a superhero AWP playing lifestyle...."
"Oh pretty well I'd imagine hey ho.....let's crack on......"
And so the two characters left the dingy cave behind as the rock rumbled shut they made towards the parked Nudgemobile
"OH MY GOOD GOD. What is that ancient pile of rubbish? Surely I'm not expected to drive that?"
"That is the NUDGEMOBILE. A trusty piece of automotive history"
"Well it looks UBER rubbish. A right boneshakerathon. Let's take my ten litre Mercedes for a spin. It's UBER fast let me tell you and definitely better than Kesh's 04 plate Audi."
"There came some muffled shouting from underneath the rock, but no one heard it as the exhaust rumbled into life"
"JUST as well I'm driving to be honest. I hear you're UBER RUBBISH with NAVIGATION. They tell me Nudgeman couldn't navigate his way around Halfords to the Sat Navs. That's if you believe the scandal in The Daily Bar where you got yourself lost and had to buy a Sat Nav to get out of the store"
"Grrrrrr"
"Well do prey tell us where we're going Nudgeman"
"Well ok if I were to volunteer a pleasant starting hit, how about the 'See ya next time' in the Fire and Flames pub on the Incendary estate? It's mega heat, but it'll test your fettle and your metal."
"Oh I see. You think as I'm from Eight Elms I'll baulk at an estate pub. Well let me tell you I've been in some pretty rough Harvesters in my time, so I'm well prepared for this...."
The two characters strolled into the rough estate pub. The last remnants of the die hard alcoholics who still had a bit of functioning liver staring at the outsiders. There was an awkward silence.
"Let me handle this Nudgeman....two pina coladas please bar woman and quick fast please....."
Stony Silence.
"We daaarnt 'ave penis colorados, just export strength premium export lightening cider lagermeisters in cans....take it or leave it....."
"Ok two of those please..."
Nudgeman was already on the See ya next time, expert presses, he knew all the moves, board types, set ups, rips.......
"YAAAAAAWWWWWNNNNNN Oh my these are so boring, I caaaan't be bothered to watch you play this.....I'm going to sit in the car and play Stan James Hi Lo Gambler on my phone......"
£20 in for £70 out, a few dead end stares, a healthy dose of mega evil heat and thankfully a clear exit out and Nudgeman briskly stepped back to the Merc.
"Slight problemo....we're 3k involved......"
Like a poorly fitted timing belt, Nudgeman's circulation jumped up to his throat, tried to strangle him. His organs jolted out his body at alarming angles.
"You what?"
"Oh it's usually worth a munt, I had 6k on a 2 we could have been 3k up but I went higher and it was another 2.....I'm chasing the £15k max now"
Nudgeman had lost the power of speech. However he wasn't regaining it anytime soon.
The next hit was a tucked blinker that flookered and quiggled successfully for only £20 in. However it was a pikey supplier, who had also put a Find the Lady the other side of the bar.
"Oh Blast....it climbed to £35 first go with three jokers on the climb, I mean you never seen three jokers and then I was on a queen and it went lower for king...."
"How much are we involved?"
"Oh I don't know....you're not one of these dreadful players who bothers counting are you?"
The next hit was an arcade shiffly shufflety shuffler, again a surprising £50 raise.
"Well we made £50, are you going to lose a quick bag in something? Maybe a £500 Rainbow Riches?"
"Oh no"
"Good, let me just change this money up with the assistant"
Nudgeman turned around and heard the sound of coins rattling into a Bar-X lo tech set to £1 play.
"Well it was full........it's an UBER eatathon unfortunately, we're £200 involved........."
"FOR GOD'S SAKE CAN YOU NOT CONTROL YOUR MUNTING FOR ONE SECOND?"
"Oh no. Not really. i just love an UBER munt when I'm out and about, particularly with you. I decided I really want an UBER munt as my normal playing partner will not allow it."
JG
PART THREE
"Well that's lovely. Brilliant that I should be a guinea pig to wild card gambles. Lovely. That's what I'm here for. Just have a free ride on me...see something exciting, wildly expensive and blatantly unplayable??! Hey why not get stuck in.....?"
"There was tension in the air as the two characters walked back to the Merc. rOBin pulled into the garage to fill up the Merc with another 50 litres of fuel, enough to get down the road into second gear."
rOBin disappeared into the shop and back out with a carrier bag.
"Ummm nom nom nom nom" rOBin scoffed on a variety of snacks.
"I am hungry, really hungry"
"Oh I'm alright, I got myself food"
"I could do with a bite to eat"
"Oh well on the walk back to your cave you could pick something up"
"What?!?! It's a 12 mile walk back home....."
"Oh yes, you've got an UBER long walk back home haven't you? UBER long walkatathon HAHAHAHA!"
"Well I was expecting you to drive me back"
"Hold on, just texting Tony from Oxford. I'm going to mention once again your POOR navigational skills and how you've got an UBER LONG walk BACK HOME. HA!"
"So you're driving back to Eight Elms.... do you not go past the cave on the way back?"
"OH NO. I take the motorway, I can't be bothered with silly A roads. I need to get the Merc up to speed. See you later then...oh hold on....we did 50 miles today that's errrm.....£200 of petrol you owe me, so let's see, I started with.....about £200, let's call it £400. That makes us dum de dum de dum.....err if I keep all the money, that should be quits ok? Yes! Good see you next time! Actually I can help you....can't see you walking all the way back can I?"
"Yes it'd be a bit harsh to expect me to walk back home"
"Yes let me check for trains and buses........oh.....oh no there are no trains or buses you have to walk back. Bye for now"
"Is that a spare Ginster's Pasty?"
"Oh no. That's for me to eat tomorrow. BYE!" VROOOOOOOOM!!!!
Nudgeman angrily stomped home.....freezing weather....wayward drunks....an ignorant trucker splashing him with roadside water....he vowed never to go on a run with rOBin ever ever again......each step he took he got angrier and angrier. What a WASTE of a day. Utter waste. rOBin was definitely not the one. He would make up a Voodoo doll when he got home from the mould around the stalagmites. He'd fashion some of the mould into ROBin and the other mould into rOBin and he'd skewer both figurines with extra sharp vicious pins and chuck them into the Nudgefire to burn to ashes.
And that is exactly what he did.
He awoke to the sound of the Daily Bar being delivered to the mailbox in the rock. Breakfast on the go first, Nudgetoast and shuffled eggs (a bit like scrambled but more shuffly). He grabbed the Daily Bar and read with horror the front page headlines....
"Mad Munting Merc driver fatal crash with Happy Gay Lucky Liverpudlian with man bag"
What was this feeling within himself? Clearly the two Robins were no more. A slight feeling of guilt grew and grew within him. He was a superhero after all. His usual skill didn't fully utilise the true powers of a superhero. Clearly his Voodoo experiment had worked a treat. Oh my oh my, he hadn't REALLY meant for both of them to die a horrible painful, lingering, awful utterly abhorrent death. Well not any more anyway, not now....
How could he turn things back?
He looked at the idol above the fireplace, who was now grinning at him, mocking him it seemed.....
<<There's only one way out of this. Cast me into the fire. Let me melt into the fiery embers of eternal damnation. The evil Darth Vader woman turned me this way. It's no existance for a man, trapped in idol form, left with no entertainment other than mocking guests of this cave. Throw me into the hungry flames and as I melt away, it'll bring back all the Robins. Focus your negative emotions on the flames that melt the alloy and fabric of my soul. Feel the positive release of energy surround you and allow you to tolerate all fellow companions and approach any niggles with a positive outlook. I will sacrifice myself so as you can make amends to your ways.>>
He paused. He had secretly grown to like Cashpot Kesh's digs to his visitors. If anyone was having a bad hair day, looked a bit funny, talked a bit funny, was a bit funny, Cashpot Kesh let them know about it, often to Nudgeman's and his guest's torment. Although irreverent and often awful timing, the digs were politically incorrect Manna. Indulgent, but don't anyone see you enjoying them. It had to be done, it was the right thing to do, after much mental wrestling, he reluctantly tipped the idol of Cashpot Kesh into the flames.
There was a fizzle, a fazzle, a flicker, a flooker, a quiggle a wiggle and Kerbooom!!! Kesh was in the room!. Jerboom! ROBin was back in the room alive and well. Kerbooom! rOBin was back in the room, alive and unscathed, the Merc parked outside in perfect condition (although the gearbox was still abit stiff on start up). Nudgeman's phone rang. It was the original Robin, he was having second thoughts about starting a new life, independent of his superhero mentor, could he come back for Christmas Dinner? Of course he could, everything was ok, everything was rosy....everyone was getting on.....
"Anyone for a mince pie?"
Everyone happily nodded, they all wanted mince pies with delicious cream and heartwarming sherry. Nudgeman was mein host at the party where everyone was warm and friendly. What lovely times!!! He left to get the mince pies from the kitchen. What a wonderful story this was turing out to be. A truly heartwarming moral tale. Love thy neighbour. He had stopped worrying about he splinter in Robin's eye and was happy and humble to remove the plank of wood from his own eye (avoiding the luggage carousel of course). It almost seemed too sickly sweet a way to finish a tale and of course it was.....
From a distance........
<<BIFF BAFF BOSH!!!!! THUD!!! ARRGGGGGH!!! CRASH!!!! F*ing Queers!!!! Can't stand 'em!!! Do one gay boy!!!!!! BAFF!! BOSCH!!! THUD!!! I AM THE MIGHTY KESH YOU POMPOUS PRICK, F*ck off back to SIX CEDARS or wherever it is you come from, TAKE THE PLUMS from your THROAT, I NEED 'EM to make a rich Christmas pudding! BOOOOSH! BAAASH! BOSCH!
Oh dear......it had happened again. rOBin and ROBin lay bloodied and battered, fighting for their last breath on the floor.
"Kesh you.....you....you killed my dinner party guests....."
"So what? Bothered. Don't think so. It's too late too start blubbing again Nudgeman. Let's pull some crackers"
BANG!
"I win Nudgeman. I get this novelty hat. Very nice. This plastic £2 bar. rOBin would not approve, pity he's dead, like I care. Oh and a special Kesh's cryptic cracker clue.....4 nudges. Alice in Wonderland."
"Is that Nudges on the feature?"
"Kesh has spoken"
"Do I need to shuffle them?"
"Do you?"
"Tell me. I'm not fishing tell me. Please"
"."
"Please. Please please. Tell me"
"Night Nudgeman"
"Oh come on...you can't leave me hanging....."
There was only one way for this to end.
The cave entrance rock was heaved back and a vague distant acquaintance had returned.
The orginal Robin was back in the nest.
"So good to see you" said Robin and Nudgeman in unison.
"Patently even more queer than the late ROBin"
"Oh yes we have a dinner party guest Robin, meet Cashpot Kesh"
"Care to pull a cracker Robin?" teased the evil guest
"Don't do it. It'll be a tantalising clue that'll eat you up inside."
"I can't resist Nudgeman" said Robin, winking, perhaps he had a plan, of course he had a plan.....
CRACK BANG!!!!!
"MUAHAHAHA your plan backfired Robin.....I win.....let me see....novelty hat.......an idiots guide to lockpicking........and the clue....it says.....it says.......Bejeweled on bookies terminals. Free credits once again but how?"
And on that FOBT bombshell Robin produced a gun and shot dead the evil cashpot Kesh. BANG! BANG!
"Hey errr Robin that was rather an orthodox way to kill the baddie. I mean it's the unofficial Christmas story, you could have used some ingenuity to kill him, or at least drawn out the final shooting scene to create some tension. To be honest I'm ashamed, but you know what it doesn't matter. As this whole debacle has shown me that we should accept people as human and with that comes fallability and forgiveness. We can't all be superheros, we're not all perfect. Well apart form me and Tony from Oxford of course. Peace on earth and goodwill to all men. Positivity breeds positivity. Dust to dust. Cashes to cashes. Keshes to Ashes. May God rest his soul. A merry Christmas to all the Robins out there, dead or alive, gay or straight, pompous or humble. God bless them all"
And on that note we leave the lovely Christmassy scene. The mouldy shower, the icicles in the airing cupboard, the rats in the 'air conditioning', the mildew on the television and lastly the Ouija board spelling out random names and homophobic insults.
Happy Christmas 2012 to all Fruitchattians.
"Well that's lovely. Brilliant that I should be a guinea pig to wild card gambles. Lovely. That's what I'm here for. Just have a free ride on me...see something exciting, wildly expensive and blatantly unplayable??! Hey why not get stuck in.....?"
"There was tension in the air as the two characters walked back to the Merc. rOBin pulled into the garage to fill up the Merc with another 50 litres of fuel, enough to get down the road into second gear."
rOBin disappeared into the shop and back out with a carrier bag.
"Ummm nom nom nom nom" rOBin scoffed on a variety of snacks.
"I am hungry, really hungry"
"Oh I'm alright, I got myself food"
"I could do with a bite to eat"
"Oh well on the walk back to your cave you could pick something up"
"What?!?! It's a 12 mile walk back home....."
"Oh yes, you've got an UBER long walk back home haven't you? UBER long walkatathon HAHAHAHA!"
"Well I was expecting you to drive me back"
"Hold on, just texting Tony from Oxford. I'm going to mention once again your POOR navigational skills and how you've got an UBER LONG walk BACK HOME. HA!"
"So you're driving back to Eight Elms.... do you not go past the cave on the way back?"
"OH NO. I take the motorway, I can't be bothered with silly A roads. I need to get the Merc up to speed. See you later then...oh hold on....we did 50 miles today that's errrm.....£200 of petrol you owe me, so let's see, I started with.....about £200, let's call it £400. That makes us dum de dum de dum.....err if I keep all the money, that should be quits ok? Yes! Good see you next time! Actually I can help you....can't see you walking all the way back can I?"
"Yes it'd be a bit harsh to expect me to walk back home"
"Yes let me check for trains and buses........oh.....oh no there are no trains or buses you have to walk back. Bye for now"
"Is that a spare Ginster's Pasty?"
"Oh no. That's for me to eat tomorrow. BYE!" VROOOOOOOOM!!!!
Nudgeman angrily stomped home.....freezing weather....wayward drunks....an ignorant trucker splashing him with roadside water....he vowed never to go on a run with rOBin ever ever again......each step he took he got angrier and angrier. What a WASTE of a day. Utter waste. rOBin was definitely not the one. He would make up a Voodoo doll when he got home from the mould around the stalagmites. He'd fashion some of the mould into ROBin and the other mould into rOBin and he'd skewer both figurines with extra sharp vicious pins and chuck them into the Nudgefire to burn to ashes.
And that is exactly what he did.
He awoke to the sound of the Daily Bar being delivered to the mailbox in the rock. Breakfast on the go first, Nudgetoast and shuffled eggs (a bit like scrambled but more shuffly). He grabbed the Daily Bar and read with horror the front page headlines....
"Mad Munting Merc driver fatal crash with Happy Gay Lucky Liverpudlian with man bag"
What was this feeling within himself? Clearly the two Robins were no more. A slight feeling of guilt grew and grew within him. He was a superhero after all. His usual skill didn't fully utilise the true powers of a superhero. Clearly his Voodoo experiment had worked a treat. Oh my oh my, he hadn't REALLY meant for both of them to die a horrible painful, lingering, awful utterly abhorrent death. Well not any more anyway, not now....
How could he turn things back?
He looked at the idol above the fireplace, who was now grinning at him, mocking him it seemed.....
<<There's only one way out of this. Cast me into the fire. Let me melt into the fiery embers of eternal damnation. The evil Darth Vader woman turned me this way. It's no existance for a man, trapped in idol form, left with no entertainment other than mocking guests of this cave. Throw me into the hungry flames and as I melt away, it'll bring back all the Robins. Focus your negative emotions on the flames that melt the alloy and fabric of my soul. Feel the positive release of energy surround you and allow you to tolerate all fellow companions and approach any niggles with a positive outlook. I will sacrifice myself so as you can make amends to your ways.>>
He paused. He had secretly grown to like Cashpot Kesh's digs to his visitors. If anyone was having a bad hair day, looked a bit funny, talked a bit funny, was a bit funny, Cashpot Kesh let them know about it, often to Nudgeman's and his guest's torment. Although irreverent and often awful timing, the digs were politically incorrect Manna. Indulgent, but don't anyone see you enjoying them. It had to be done, it was the right thing to do, after much mental wrestling, he reluctantly tipped the idol of Cashpot Kesh into the flames.
There was a fizzle, a fazzle, a flicker, a flooker, a quiggle a wiggle and Kerbooom!!! Kesh was in the room!. Jerboom! ROBin was back in the room alive and well. Kerbooom! rOBin was back in the room, alive and unscathed, the Merc parked outside in perfect condition (although the gearbox was still abit stiff on start up). Nudgeman's phone rang. It was the original Robin, he was having second thoughts about starting a new life, independent of his superhero mentor, could he come back for Christmas Dinner? Of course he could, everything was ok, everything was rosy....everyone was getting on.....
"Anyone for a mince pie?"
Everyone happily nodded, they all wanted mince pies with delicious cream and heartwarming sherry. Nudgeman was mein host at the party where everyone was warm and friendly. What lovely times!!! He left to get the mince pies from the kitchen. What a wonderful story this was turing out to be. A truly heartwarming moral tale. Love thy neighbour. He had stopped worrying about he splinter in Robin's eye and was happy and humble to remove the plank of wood from his own eye (avoiding the luggage carousel of course). It almost seemed too sickly sweet a way to finish a tale and of course it was.....
From a distance........
<<BIFF BAFF BOSH!!!!! THUD!!! ARRGGGGGH!!! CRASH!!!! F*ing Queers!!!! Can't stand 'em!!! Do one gay boy!!!!!! BAFF!! BOSCH!!! THUD!!! I AM THE MIGHTY KESH YOU POMPOUS PRICK, F*ck off back to SIX CEDARS or wherever it is you come from, TAKE THE PLUMS from your THROAT, I NEED 'EM to make a rich Christmas pudding! BOOOOSH! BAAASH! BOSCH!
Oh dear......it had happened again. rOBin and ROBin lay bloodied and battered, fighting for their last breath on the floor.
"Kesh you.....you....you killed my dinner party guests....."
"So what? Bothered. Don't think so. It's too late too start blubbing again Nudgeman. Let's pull some crackers"
BANG!
"I win Nudgeman. I get this novelty hat. Very nice. This plastic £2 bar. rOBin would not approve, pity he's dead, like I care. Oh and a special Kesh's cryptic cracker clue.....4 nudges. Alice in Wonderland."
"Is that Nudges on the feature?"
"Kesh has spoken"
"Do I need to shuffle them?"
"Do you?"
"Tell me. I'm not fishing tell me. Please"
"."
"Please. Please please. Tell me"
"Night Nudgeman"
"Oh come on...you can't leave me hanging....."
There was only one way for this to end.
The cave entrance rock was heaved back and a vague distant acquaintance had returned.
The orginal Robin was back in the nest.
"So good to see you" said Robin and Nudgeman in unison.
"Patently even more queer than the late ROBin"
"Oh yes we have a dinner party guest Robin, meet Cashpot Kesh"
"Care to pull a cracker Robin?" teased the evil guest
"Don't do it. It'll be a tantalising clue that'll eat you up inside."
"I can't resist Nudgeman" said Robin, winking, perhaps he had a plan, of course he had a plan.....
CRACK BANG!!!!!
"MUAHAHAHA your plan backfired Robin.....I win.....let me see....novelty hat.......an idiots guide to lockpicking........and the clue....it says.....it says.......Bejeweled on bookies terminals. Free credits once again but how?"
And on that FOBT bombshell Robin produced a gun and shot dead the evil cashpot Kesh. BANG! BANG!
"Hey errr Robin that was rather an orthodox way to kill the baddie. I mean it's the unofficial Christmas story, you could have used some ingenuity to kill him, or at least drawn out the final shooting scene to create some tension. To be honest I'm ashamed, but you know what it doesn't matter. As this whole debacle has shown me that we should accept people as human and with that comes fallability and forgiveness. We can't all be superheros, we're not all perfect. Well apart form me and Tony from Oxford of course. Peace on earth and goodwill to all men. Positivity breeds positivity. Dust to dust. Cashes to cashes. Keshes to Ashes. May God rest his soul. A merry Christmas to all the Robins out there, dead or alive, gay or straight, pompous or humble. God bless them all"
And on that note we leave the lovely Christmassy scene. The mouldy shower, the icicles in the airing cupboard, the rats in the 'air conditioning', the mildew on the television and lastly the Ouija board spelling out random names and homophobic insults.
Happy Christmas 2012 to all Fruitchattians.
JG
Comments:
Lol I laughed that much my very wet fart nearly shit myself. [AMK]
top read george old boy ,,,,,, and a ( allbeit very early imo ) merry christmas to all [Trayhop]
fuck reading all that....jg's humour is wearing a bit thin now if you ask me [eastangliapro]
if the joke was on me i'd be a bit more magnanimous than that considering the effort that went in. [lugsy]
That's just the prequel right? [Roll with it Russ]
Nudgeman? Its like Arcadia all over again... All we need now is Sooty and Psycho Steve. [sixbomb]
and the fruit spyder? [Spyder]
Nice story George but perhaps you would consider a hobby? Table tennis perhaps? [plumy2k]
Lol I laughed that much my very wet fart nearly shit myself. [AMK]
top read george old boy ,,,,,, and a ( allbeit very early imo ) merry christmas to all [Trayhop]
fuck reading all that....jg's humour is wearing a bit thin now if you ask me [eastangliapro]
if the joke was on me i'd be a bit more magnanimous than that considering the effort that went in. [lugsy]
That's just the prequel right? [Roll with it Russ]
Nudgeman? Its like Arcadia all over again... All we need now is Sooty and Psycho Steve. [sixbomb]
and the fruit spyder? [Spyder]
Nice story George but perhaps you would consider a hobby? Table tennis perhaps? [plumy2k]
JG
-
eastangliapro
- Senior Member
- Posts: 1060
- Joined: Mon Dec 31, 2007 1:01 am