Best bits of our favourite mod!

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clarkey1984
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Best bits of our favourite mod!

Post by clarkey1984 »

The mans a lyrical miracle drops in bloops so subliminal, so sly there almost invisible yet his tales are so mystical.

3 or 4 of my favourite JG stories, there are more that i wanted to add, but cannot find, oh yeah, nice touch picking a username with less than 3 characters, as it means that its impossible to search your posts, click on 'find all posts by JG' and it says there are no results, but i digress, so...

Behold, some of the epic posts by the FC legend that is, JG!

JG wrote:The loud constant buzz and idiopathic whine started to fill the rich multi cranial space that was The Fruit Chat quiz machine forum.

JG marched over to the quiz machine forum with some idle babble that he thought might be worthy of posting. As he appoached the forum entrance he was surprised to see the metal shutters down.
Ah yes, now he remembered, new security measures in place, someone had done a spot ot tooling on Quizmaster's footie thread and taken the value from the start of the season. There was a good £500 of so of profit and they had sneaked in, messed around with a few last minute goals and scooped the lot, so the thread was now in the red.
JG reached into his pockets for the keys. Blast! He had left them over at those silly 'potty forums. He'd better attend to that quickly. The jokers over there would have a field day if they found them. Before that though, JG wanted his say, as there was no way in, he'd have to make do with the intercom by the side of the shutters.

This was no ordinary intercom, there were a variety of equalisation controls, to enable people posting from outside of the forum to impart a posting enriched in quiz flora whilst all other peripheral hissy AWP surf could be supressed. JG flicked the on switch, surely a logical first step.

That was what started the irritating buzzing.

Hmmmm. Poor quality speaker cable concluded JG and peered myopically at the vast array of controls. The frequency knobs made sense. No point altering those, although maybe a bit of extra 10,000khz might increase clarity of posting. He turned it from 0% to +ve 15% It seemed to make sense.

Wow and flutter. He studied that one and decided for no logical reason to turn that from 0 to -3.

Hmmmmm. Any on looker would surely be convinced he knew the EXACT protocol for operating this bizarre machine. Why so complex? Why not just a button for speaking? They didn't have this in blocks of flats. You don't walk up to the reception door and do any more than ring a buzzer for the flat number and speak when the person in the room presses the button their end. Never mind.

JG cleared his throat.

AHEHHEHEMEHMEHHMEHMEHEHEM.

He wondered if they could hear that.

"Can anyone hear that?"

Nothing. No response. He waited for a message to buzz back. Humpf! Surly lot, probably still in bed or maybe that ProperPro heard it and deemed it unnecesary to reply to it, or wait, maybe he heard it and was now formulating a sarcastic response in his head.
"Moderators can't operate the intercom and I'm out winning lots of money."
No, not even that. Nothing.

Aha! What was this dial? '+ve feedback', hmm sounds good, next to a button marked 'loudness boost'. Yeah those two should be good. JG twissled the feedback up to +275% the highest setting and pressed loudness. The buzzing increased to scary proportions and from the other side of the shutters he heard a high pitched wine.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

Continuous and without any obvious direction, it soon became torturous.

The intercom crackled into life. "That's not idiopathic"

"Eh?

"I SAID......THAT'S NOT IDIOPATHIC"

"Who's there?"

"TURN YOUR +VE FEEDBACK DOWN NOW!"

"What was that you said about idiopathic?"

"YOU SAID, IN YOUR POSTING, WHICH WE CAN ALL HEAR BY THE WAY. THAT THERE WAS AN IDIOPATHIC WHINING. IT'S NOT IDIOPATHIC AS IT HAS BEEN CAUSED BY YOU TURNING THE +VE FEEDBACK UP TOO HIGH. TURN IT DOWN."

"I'm sorry I don't really know why I used that word, I'm not sure what it means"

"WELL OBVIOUSLY, COULD YOU TURN DOWN THE +VE FEEDBACK?"


JG squinted embarrassed at the array of knobs. Where was that +ve feedback or whatever it was. He couldn't remember. This should help. Mute. He twiddled that down a few steps.

"How's that?"

"WHAT!?!? SPEAK UP MAN YOU'RE FADING INTO OBSCURITY AND TURN THAT SODDING FEEDBACK DIAL DOWN, WE'RE ALL GOING MAD HERE."

"Can't you open the door?"

"NO! ONE OF THE STUPID MODERATORS LOST THE KEYS OVER AT SOME SILLY 'POTTY' FORUM. THAT'S THE WORD ON THE STREET. I'VE MISSED OUT ON MY ROUNDS AND I'M NOT HAPPY. MONEY GOES IN AND TODAY IT'S STAYING IN - JUST LIKE ME."

"Who else is in there?"

"Well there's MR. GRUMPY, MR. TRYING TO BUT FAILING TO SLEEP, MR. LYNCH THE MODS, MR. BAD HEADACHE, can you sort this out PLEASE? WHO IS THIS ANYWAY?"

"J.....J....It's J J J Jeff Vickers here"

Oh this was a bad do. JG had forgotten that it was his turn to unlock the quiz forum today. He'd been over to that bloomin' service station in the morning for an unchipped Riches and that had played up, that Double Deal or no Deal had IOUd by mistake as he couldn't feed the coins back in fast enough and he had forgotten his refill key as that was on the same bundle of keys as the mod keys. Then that Take it or Leave it had been a bit moody, also that Treble Jackpots had been removed for a MEGA Deal or no Deal with a £14.10 cashpot that he.....

"JG I KNOW IT IS YOU. YOU'VE KNOCKED THE +VE ESP DIAL YOU FOOL AND WE CAN ALL HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS. YOU'VE GOT 10 MINUTES TO GET THOSE DAMN KEYS, STOP THIS HIGHLY VEXATING, MIGRAINE INDUCING, WHINING RACKET AND GET THIS DOOR OPEN BEFORE I REPORT YOU TO MIKE WOODS."

Hmmm. I must be thinking loudly then. Where is this ESP dial? I like sniffing women's knickers. Oh what! No I don't, I can't believe I thought that. Stupid devil voice inside of me making me think stupid things....

"DO IT NOW JG, YOU BUFFOON!"

Incredulous but also acceptant that they must be able to hear his every thought, JG panicked and twissled all the dials every which way but the useful way. Soon the quiz machine forum was full of the most bizarre noises imaginable to man. Still at least they couldn't hear his thoughts, or so he guessed, not above that racket and at least he couldn't hear ProperPro getting in a strop. Maybe he best find those keys.

BUZZZZ!! KERPOWWW! BIFF! BOFF! BLEEEEOOPPPETY WHOOPETY PING PONG!!! ZIP KERPUFFF! WALLLOP! BOOOOM!!! CRASH! BANG! BLLLLLARUPPPETY BLARPETY BLIPPETY BLOPETY ping perchooo! BLOP!
WHEEEOOEOEOOEOEOEOOEOO!!!

Then a stroke of genius. The technical forum was nearby. JG burst in.

"I need a technician, quick, I've messed up the intercom to the quiz forum."

"Yeah mate. You need a new main board, the battery has leaked."

"No this isn't an EPOCH related fault enquiry....."

"What? Not a faulty EPOCH?" A red button was pressed and a sarcophagus opened to reveal the appropriate engineer. "Hello Terry. Long time no see. That intercom is messed up again. Just like it was in 1604, best see to it first, I'll have a brew on when you come back."

The stench was awful, 400+ years in a dusty old coffin was not great for one's personal hygiene. However if it would stop the quiz forum from going ballistic and a possible black balling from a future career on Fruit Chat, then this was a necessary olfactory incovenience that had to be endured.

"Is this the offending piece?" croaked the old fossil, a stench of putrid halitosis eminating from his tonsils.

JG wondered how many malfunctioning intercoms there could be making bizarre electronic cocophonies of noise.

He tried to figure a sarcastic response, but just paused michrosomaly, before uttering a simple yes.

After a few expert twists and turns the noise was eliminated, well nearly all the noise. There was a riotous shouting....

"JG to be FRUIT CHAT CLEANER!"
"KILL HIS MOD STATUS!"
"SOD THAT - KILL HIM!"
"BURN HIS ANCIENT VIP MANUSCRIPTS!"
"LET HIM HANG IN THE ETERNAL FIERY PITS OF HELL. UPSIDE DOWN. LET HIS BRAIN CELL TOAST SLOWLY TO A CRISP"
"KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! and money comes out.....and blood"



"Can you turn that down as well?"

The smelly cadaver, pressed a ONE WAY TRANSMISSION button and all was silent.

"Oh and before you go to sleep for another 400 years, would you fetch my keys from 'that other' forum? I left them near an old oak tree with a yellow ribbon tied around it. I think there may have been a pot of gold nearby as well."

"I'll do me best Sir, but I hear that there are many pots of gold over there, mostly belonging to that young Leprechaun called Lord Lucky-Dom"


With JG left in peace, he picked up the microphone and began to speak.


"It was a cold Autumnal day. The leaves were swept effienciently off the street by a beeping machine blowing things around. I marched, no wait I strolled briskly up to a suburban Weatherspoons pub."

A distress flare went up from within the forum. Then another and another, more flares.....hold on, what was this? They were spelling something, was this a game of word up being played out with distress flares? Oh no, GET ON WITH IT.....yes very pretty, but JG cut to the chase.

"Well I won't bore you with what happened on the AWP side of matters, small £20 raise but to be expected as one playable gone and only one semi-playable left. Anyway I tried a black surround Itbox. It was an issue 69. Surpiringly no gaps, I thought these things had more gaps than a nine year old at the dentist? Anyhow there were a few games I hadn't seen before. Some Robin Hood thing which I forgot to look at and a game called CHOOSE TO LOSE. I've a feeling it has been discussed before, but to fill you in, there are 20 questions, it's £1 a go and you get to answer all 20 questions.
0 Correct = £10, 5 correct = £2, 10 correct = mystery prize, 15 correct = £5 and 20 correct = £20.
This intrigues me as it's a game with no obvious protection apart from the noble one of asking impossibly hard questions as a pose to the ignoble one of pulling the carpet from underneath your feet and saying oh errr mystery prize for everything and then you get a mystery prize and it turns out to be 30p. I suppose it could do that if emergency dictated.
Surely one for the Suris of this world?
I also played BIG REDS as there was 9p spare credit, so what better game to play then BIG REDS?

(A cluster of distress flares were released at this point, I won't tell you what they spelt out, but they came from the direction of that footie thread.)

WELL MAYBE PERHAPS WORD UP?

(No flares, they must be out of flares by now)

Anyway the first question was "In which of these sports do athletes reach the fastest speed through self propulsion?"

SKIING, SPEED SKATING OR CYCLING?


I failed to absorb the word self propulsion and immediately went for skiing.....those guys hurtle terrifically fast through the air,surely faster than any of the other sports. WRONG. Must be cycling then. I've seen the Tour de France and know they can touch 70mph down those mountains. Hairy stuff, but surely a speed skater is about 40mph?!?
WRONG.....ah now I see the word self propulsion, although those skiers have to push themselves off the start and those cyclists have to ascend the other side of that mountain. Hmmmmm.
Ok the indignity. Out on the first Q of BIG REDS. First time I've ever lost to those Qs. Ok, so replay, got a £1.04 offer with £2 and 7p left, deal and play bullseye which was 501 starting but just failed to get the 126 points question right....as so close, was doing well for 25s and one 50 all the way.
Had two goes on CHOOSE TO LOSE and it does feel like pot luck after a while. First few questions are easier and you get questions you know, but what is best strategy? First time I got 14 Q right, needed the last one right for £5....no such luck. Next game was worse, 12 right, last two questons right as well. Quite a heartstopper of a game, but suriely in the right hands an earner? Always entertaining when you feel you're near the money. Unlike say Hangman which is pointless and you can guarantee numerous 25-75 points phrases for not even £1. Maybe the only people that play it, lose £4 until it offers £1/£2 and it repeats ad nauseum.
Anyway that was all I wanted to say. I had drunk my drink by then and didn't want to lose any more of my slim £20 profit, so off I went.

Over and money not coming Out.
JG wrote:Yeah it's horrible isn't it? Especially with the pub trade as it is...

You walk in, just you, the barman and two other regulars who are probably close relatives of the barman.

WOW! Thinks the barman, a customer, must be the Ansell's mystery customer.

"May I help you?" he enquires in his most eloquent tones.

At this point you have been following these golden rules.

1) Avoid all eye contact
2) Do not stare directly at a fruit machine
3) Move your head in random directions like you're looking for something. That isn't a fruit machine.
4) Don't walk into the ladies' lavatory by mistake.
5) Try to look like you're on important business.


Drat, you're two seconds into the pub and all you've seen is a jukebox, you have to walk around the corner...there has to be a playable around the corner.

Now there are three sets of eyes on you. It's a horrible, horrible moment, but you must do the deed, you must scour every last corner of the pub.

"I'm looking for Bob, he said he would be here"

"Bob died two days ago"

"oh"

But you have to keep walking.....

"Can I get you a drink?"

Your lonely faltering footsteps, compliment the morgue like atmosphere to perfection. Shit! The proposition of paying £2.65 for a pint that you can't drink, staying in a pub you didn't want to be in with two of the surliest most miserable looking men you've ever seen, doesn't make things any easier. You have to speak and speak quickly, but what do you say?


"Blah, I err just need the toilet!!!"


Schoolboy error, schoolboy, did you not see the sign near the entrance that said this is not a public convenience, toilets for customer use only? It was also next to the sign that said credit only given to people over the age of 60 accompanied by both grandparents.


The mood changes very suddenly. As far as they're concerned you're filth, a scumbag, a dirty pig. You've only entered the building to urinate against the procelain.

"Hmmmm, using the toilet and not buying a drink?? This is not a public convenience young man."


Around the corner, where is this blasted thing? Then a flashy light catches your eye, within a mirror, oh no!!! It's in the corner, the darkest dingiest recess, what excuse can there be to walk into this dark corner?


With a limp hand you pull out your mobile, explaining that it was on vibrate.

The surly men look puzzled at the slim compact build of what they assume is some kind of sex toy.

"Err yeah Bob, I'm in the.....in the.....in thee" and then you realise you don't know the name of the pub...."I'm in the pub...you know, where we said we'd meet......"

All eyes on you and your fascinating conversation, but you're in the dark corner, what the hell???! It's a Full Metal Jackpots, might have known a pub this derelict would have some stupid 2007 crap like this inside. Hey maybe wait another year, they might get a dial.

It's then with total horror you see there's a door to the other side of the bar. This area needs exploring. Maintaining the facade of faux conversation enabled by cunningly positioned satellites you proceed into the next area. Your acting skills are poor and obviously Bob, who is dead, is doing all the talking. The Barman has followed you around into the main bar area, now desperate to sell you a drink.

"Are you lost? Do you need a map? Or a drink maybe?"

It's then you blurt it out, the pressure all too much as a man sitting at the bar with a bull terrier, both versed in looking hard have made you blurt your missive.

"AAArrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrk" you screech, the embarassment and shame at your ineptitude, coercing you into the corner where you spot a Power 5.

"I'm a professional fruit machinist" you screech, on the verge of a nervous breakdown, "I'm here to see what machines you have on site. I make money playing fruit machines. AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRK!"

"Oh I see. Would you like a drink? Actually let me check the rule book a moment, not sure we want your type here...."

"Err no, I best be going thanks"

With that you regain your composure and get back to your mate in the car.

"Well?"


"Full Metal Jackpot and Power 5"

"Was it unchipped?"

"Which?"

"The Power 5 duh....."

"Errrr........no"

"Did you try it?"

"Well no, but it looked kinda chipped, I just got the feeling it was chipped, just by looking at it...what???....why are you looking at me like that....oh ffs..........it's your turn........what? ok......"

And so back you go, back into the public house of fun. You do the honourable thing. You sit down in the entrance, just out of eyeshot from your mate and just out of earsight from the bar. You count to 35 and then go back to the car park.

"No luck, definitely chipped"

"You tried it?"

"Yeah"

"And it was chipped"

"What you pressed humpf and wumpf?"

"Yeah......"

"And what happened...?"

"Just collected £4"


"hmmm, ok, next pub then?"



"Yeah your turn to check....."


"Let's see.....on the list it says The Furnace and Flanker"

"Should be nice and hot"

"yeah deep joy...."

"Just remember, don't say you're looking for Bob, he died two days ago apparently."

"Ok, I'll keep a check out for Tarquin, I'm meeting him for a pint, that's the line."

"Tarquin? you can't use that name, they'll lynch you...."

"Well have you got a better name?"


And so it fades as the mini metro trundles along into the sunset, our pair of players gradually compiling a list of their own.

Happy days.
JG wrote:I can only assume you have finally found the emptier for Monoperty Hot Ploperty. I shall duly PM in due course, July ok Julie?.

Someone said there are not enough stories. Someone said that when I do stories no one listens. I shall now attempt a story, Jackpotty forums style for which it is not worth you listening.


Hi. Arcade #1, all the machines were on resets apart from a £5 DonD. I played this and it kept giving cashing out. Eventually I got a £4.20 cash combo and left it £4 down.

Arcade #2, all the machines were on resets

Arcade #3, had closed down.



Pub # 1, I started off by queueueing at the bar for what seemed like an absoute eternity of one minute and thirty nine seconds. I looked along the lines of beer pumps and noticed that most people were drinking beer. I wanted something high in vitamin C and not full of artificial flavourings and preservatives, but in a moment of madness I ordered a Guinness. I surprised even myself and listening to a tip delivered by another member of this very forum Fruittalk.com.ac.uk/url.http I put the one pennyety change in the charity box. The barman didn't even acknowledge my grand gesture. So in a huff I looked at the machines available. A Deal or no Deal double take, A Lucky Leprechaun, A Leprechauns Gold and A Big Deal or The Big Deal as it is commonly known by enthusiasts.
There was also a Paragon Pro Plus in the corner with lovely blue lighting and extra caffeine buzz.
I drunk my drink and looked around.
All around, there were people talking about normal things like Fabio Capello and the price of petrol these days.
I wondered if I should randomly join in a conversation, but instead opted for some coin operated gaming amusement.
As it so happened I had a bag of fifty pound coins. The bag was not a designer bag with diamante designer studs on a leather base, but it was a plastic see-thru Girobank style old tatty thing from the 1980s that enabled me to carry £50 in complete jangleless comfort.
As I struggled to open the fucking thing within the confines of my trouser area, I realised I had two choices. Use my finger as a tool for piercing the sides of the bulbous over sealed contraption or slip a note into the lovely pink socket of bliss.
I had one more go at opening the blasted bag which resulted in much writhing and squirming. Someone said something about Harry Houdini, so in an instant I popped in a note.
Lifting the bag out of the trouser area was a complete no no, I may as well have intended to hang a huge placard around my neck that read "I am a notorious paedophile" as produce a bag containing fifty whole pound coins.
When I was £12 in, some bloke said 'excuse me' as he pushed past me, in a hurry to get to the gents. Eventually at £55 in, I smelt the lovely smell of a steak griddly grill thing wafting from a waitress. It was an inspired perfume and made my really hungry. At £67 in someone laughed loudly. Then I won some money.
Onto the next machine The Big Beale. An Eastenders inspired Deal or no Deal variant, it was £3 off full and red Reiding from the off. After £16 in and a loud clash of empty bottles going into a blue bin behind the bar, it gave me a batter or bust for £8. Hmmm, messy. I had to replay, especially as that Unlucky leprechaun had not dropped after £67 in.
Oh dear, it had been blag Reiding, and I was sucked in. £2/£3/£4 board after £2/£3/£4 board. I could not even get a full portion of chips for the Beale or no Beale and it kept skipping past the fishtery feature. At £37 in and frustrated, a big bald gentleman stared up at the flat screen television in the lounge area. At £38 in I got a GO ALL THE WAY. Yes have that! GO ALL THE WAY. I looked around the pub. If the guards got wind of this, I'd be thrown into jail. Thankully there was a special offer on food. Buy two exotic cheeses from the cheese counter and get a free umbrella. The customers were lapping it up. I was a bit confuzzlinged as I'd had a few shitcobs chipcobs for £2 and I wasn't sure if it had gone past £70 when I got the three red dog and phones for Mogadishu streak. As I had eighty of the queen's finest hand pressed silky sheets in my bankage, and the red sevens were ferociously rolling in again and again, I assumed that I was on for £140. What a fucking nuisance. I hadn't got the right trousers on and this would make for an incredibly hot, sweaty, coin clanking walk home.

However I couldn't just collect the lot out. Anyone under the age of 50, collecting more than £3 out of the bandit, is and quite rightly so, most definitely, on the fiddle.

I had to wait at least 10 minutes in between pressing collect. Then there was the awkward conundrum of how to collect the money. Let it all clatter out and risk barrings and muggings. Put my hand under the chute and risk barrings and muggings and being accused of using magnets and cheating the machine, as my hand was down there. Or I could switch the blasted, wretched thing off and not have to worry about collecting the stupid money.

I tried holding my pint with my right hand, using my elbow and collecting four coins with my left whilst lettttting one drop down, so it seemed natural. Someone said something about Harry Houdini again, so I just switched the thing off and walked into the sunset, happily ever after.



The End.




You know what, there was actually an umpkling of truth in that story.

And my personal favourite, 'pride of the pack'


JG wrote:The conference was in the business complex. There was the usual fauna. A premier Inn and an adjoining bar with the typical polished wood and brass. An annex from the bar led to the conference area.
The presentation was going to be beyond dreary. A dry old crone and her partner in crime, a forty something tubby male unsettlingly familiar with technology, would lecture them on procedure and compliance. A swathe of bespoke suits milled and amiably passed pleasantries, the odd reflexive guffaw, oiling the stilted exchanges.
The car park a mix of various shades between silver and black. The odd goldy beige for good variance as well. Audi, Mercedes, Lexus and BMW the staples.
There was some time before the presentation started, which was just as well, for someone who wasn't yet in any kind of suit was playing an unchipped Barcrest. I say playing, it was more a kind of continuous cussing and stressed button rapping.
"Piece of bollocks fucking shitty game crap wank piss fuck. £20 boards for nearly a nifty and it can't turn the fucker red. Load of shit rig up low percentage crap bollocks, better be boarding still after this..."
A 2 rolled in and Add again was given. The number was an 11. The hi button was rapped until the SFX stopped. The swearing continued unabated.

Back in the conference centre, various hot drinks were dispensed via an automated drinks unit. Hands were shook and pleasantries exchanged about families, business in general and working lives. Some of the suits had milled into the main conference area. A stocky chap was plugging things into USB sockets on a laptop and messing around making the final touches to a Powerpoint presentation. The crone sat steely lipped ready for battle. Also a green felt tip marker pen lay obeyantly on the desk, ready for action in case of technical failing.

The train station was within walking distance from the business complex. By a total coincidence the business complex was also within walking distance from the train station. Another party of gentleman was approaching. This time not in suits. An interesting mix this one. A chap from near Bolton with a curved banana and a horses head. A very tall representative of Lewisham. Someone who looked like James Cordon. A spiky haired lad from Cambridge with a blonde haired girl. Somone with lots of power. Someone Scottish. Someone with a similar name to half a Sat Nav. And someone who was one bar short of a sane bar.

Elsewhere a jackpot on an unchipped Barcrest had finally been won, time had dictated the progression along the route was over and it was sage to venture to the business complex.
The coins were stashed in the glove compartment. The other clothes in the boot. Spash of aftershave. Spray some goldspot. He stepped out the car and pressed the button. The central locking active and a WHOOP BLOOP indicating the vehicle was armed and secure.

It was then with abhorrent terror that he saw the latter crew of gentleman. Oh no, not here. The two worlds could not collide. Quite simply no. Never mix business and pleasure. Or in his case business and err other business. It wasn't that he didn't like them. They were a laugh, but here? Fuck no. It couldn't happen. Could it be juggled? They wouldn't recognise him in a suit and with glasses instead of the usual contact lenses. He was even in his other car. Plan was to let them pass. If he was correct the fruits in the bar were a Bank Job and a Monopoly Boom or Bust. Let them get started and move in. As the rowdy gentleman entered the complex, a voice startled him.

"George?"

It was Baharahim Mupta or 'Bahra' for short, the owner of KDH networking Ltd. A devilishly suave Indian gentleman, hugely influential in the fields of real time data linking and also a key member of the council of professional standards, and a regulator for information commissioners within the G2 network facilitator's union.

"Bahra, good to see you, how is business?"

"Absolutely frantic, the Howard Marcus Quango has dictated that all phase 2 directives be commisioned by the end of October this year. My team is phasing the data into full connectivity and updating our hardware to be compliant to the society's guidelines for electronic phase three linking. Adhering to the new Mack-Williamson procedures has revolutionised our ways of thinking, but it has been stressful, very stressful. We are now ready for the G2 mainframe to go live within the next fortnight. It's an exciting opportunity and I expect a significant upturn in Tec3 throughputs that typically would have been run through an ordinary PC1 processing team."

JG wished he could give enough of a shit about that side of things to actually understand a single word. Truth was, the missed skill on the unchipped Barcrest, the subsequent play up, the angry landlord, still playing on his mind. It was an interesting situation. Bahra could read the disinterest in JG's eyes, but he was a smooth operator. Rather than be confrontational, he had subtle ways of delivering killer digs. Like a lamb to the slaughter]
deano8177 wrote:When I rang him I asked if I could play any of the gaming machines and he said no cos they keep getting fiddled. Then I said I'd be down soon to watch the football, and that I was going to shit in his urinal.
thecannonball89 wrote:If you go out on a friday night to play a deadmans and end up going out up town having 5bags of heavly cut drugs end up in the brothel, and wake up feeling like shit on monday morning sitting out a p3 dial trying to make bk ur losses of a 5am roulette sesion, your probly a player
:lol:
ben twilly
Senior Member
Posts: 181
Joined: Wed Jan 27, 2010 2:16 pm

Post by ben twilly »

eye bleeder springs to mind............

JG FOR PRESIDENT!!!

why not come over to the dark side??
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mr lugsy
Senior Member
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Joined: Thu Mar 13, 2008 12:19 pm
Location: looking over your shoulder
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Post by mr lugsy »

i like this one from a thread entitled ; grand garbled gobbledygook.




JG wrote:
"It's not doing anything" tutted Steve in annoyance.

"They've done something to it" he grumbled. Even Pauline wasn't listening.



Then George popped in. Steve moaned at George.

"It's not doing anything. £200 in and it hasn't lit up yet. It hasn't whistled, apart from a poxy four away. Full up from the off"


"RAINBOW BINGO!!!!" yelled Ann at a volume that could kill.

Steve moodily accepted the ticket and lurid condom coloured pen and carried on noncholantly pressing start. Dum dum dum. The reels humming, the Xs and Bars floating around.


"This is disgraceful. I could report them to trading standards. This machine states clearly it's on 92% payout."


"Hello Darling" cooooed Andrew as he flaunted flamboyantly and gayly past Steve, George and Pauline. He definitely wasn't talking to Pauline.


"RAINBOW BINGO!!!" yelled Ann at a volume that would scare a deaf hardened Army Corporal.


"No thanks chuck, hey has this one paid out yet?"

"No. Jewy fucker. None of them have paid. This one has taken over £200. No whistles or bars."



Andrew popped in a quid.


There was a whistling sound. Wheep!-Whoop! Wheep!-Whoop!


Steve's face contorted into thunderous anger.



"Oooooh it must be my lucky day!" burbled Andrew, without being fat or sweaty, but every so slightly....happy.



"It's huuuurble hurrble Time" announced the machine.



Carol popped over.


"I never understand this one. It's so complicated. You've got three bars, what does that mean?"


"It means he's a jammy git" laughed Steve, his laughter twinged with agony and mild resentment.


Industriously the £35 chugged up on the red LED. Andrew popped in a quid. £1.00........£0.50.........another trio of yellow biscuits bounced into view. Andrew shoved in some more coins.

"It that any good?" asked Carol.


"If winning £70 off £1 is good, then that's good" said Andrew....

"ISN'T it you sexy beast?"

I had a horrible feeling that Andrew was talking to me, as Pauline had gone around the other side to play a Magic 10. Perhaps he was talking to Pauline. I mean that would be.....a little bit.....errr...gay wouldn't it otherwise. I mean. Hmmmm.


£2.50.....a flicker.....a flutter and £2.00


Another representation of bars.

"Fucking fucker fucker" said Steve, summing up the situation with perfect eloquence.

The red LED clounted up to £105, chugging away like a procession of gay people doing the Conga.

"Dooo doooo doooo" sang Andrew happily.


"RAINBOW BINGO!!!!" yelled Ann in a voice that would make a shell shocked senile Brigadier reveal his best emptiers.


The green LED rose to £105 before autopaying.......£2.00......flicker.....flutter........£1.50........


Some more bars!!! This was some serious spawn.


"I've not seen it do that for a while" noted Pauline

"Has it Steve? not done it for a while, nor for you George......how much did you put in it last week?"


"Loads.....over £300 I imagine."

"He never did!?!" minced Andrew.

George noticed he didn't say darling.


Deja vu as another credit break and more bars.




We were all frozen to the spot. Maybe some more spectators joined us. It was pretty spectacular. Coins gushed out of the hopper periodically and it just kept taking those credits and the jackpots kept coming.



Tony closed shut his briefcase and had a quick word with Emma.

"I've put in one of those Dr. Who style hoppers into the hurble hurble game. Ok?"

"Dr Who style hoppers?"

"Yeah it looks like it holds only £250, but it actually holds 250 zooglion pounds."

"What's a zooglion?"

"I haven't got time to explain. I've told Carol and she knows all about it, plus the quantum space time dynamics behind the hopper's operational logistics. It's in the Hurrrble Hurble Game three. Carol is an expert on that....."


"....RAINBOW BINGO!!!!!""

"Who is that fucking lunatic who keeps shouting about bingo?"

"I've no idea, she's got a Shipley's uniform on."

"hmmmmmmmmm. Maybe she's a sp...."


"RAINBOW BINGO!!!!" yelled Ann

"Fuck me, that's loud"

"Hell yeah...see ya later..."


Emma disappeared into the office. Carol's brain melted as the logistics of hurbly hurble game quantum zooglion hoppers became a reality. In actual fact a later post-mortem showed that the realisation that bars paid £35 and Xs paid £5 and that a combination of both wins could be paid via a credit breaking streak caused the meltdown.


Meanwhile the coins kept on gushing.


"I'm going to need these changing....look they're filling up the tray."

"Quit moaning" moaned Steve.

"I've never seen anything like it" said Pauline.

"Harbla harbla harbla harbla" said Patsy.

Even the Hill Sisters were impressed and spun around cross legged, very fast on a spinny chair next to the Elvis machine.

"JACKPOT!" said someone.

The red LED chugged, yeah chugged up to £280. Another relentless credit break. By this time the whole arcade was watching. Even the one spawny bloke who turns up on the one day of the month that the Vamp hasn't been picked to death and proceeds to rip four jackpots out of it from a fiver. Even he stopped to watch. Even Andrew had to admit it was ridiculous. Surely it was broken. £315, £340, £375, £410......this was just rude. Even PMK couldn't lay claim to a £410 and STILL GOING repeat pot. No way on God's earth.

"It's ludicrous!!" he gurgled ecstatically before mouthing 'sexy'. Hmmmmm, perhaps Patsy had caught his eye.



Meanwhile in another dimension.


"HEY! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!!!"

"Mr. Fluke...please be quiet." chided the Scottish lady.

Theresa tutted to herself in the cash office. Mr Fluke, or Mr. Flynn as he was actually called to people who didn't mispronounce his name, was being a nuisance.

"HEY NO!!! YOU'RE CHEATING" bellowed Mr. Fluke (we'll call him that for now as it's more apt in a story about gambling).


Mr. Fluke was of course bellowing at a poisoned apple, pictured within a budget s34 AWP.


"Last credits please Mr. Fluke..." the Scottish tones wafting over the slightly too loud music.



Mr Fluke was going to have to teleport (walk) to another dimension.


He plodded past a naked lady on a horse, a Primark and a hotel, a Hills, a McDonalds and walked through the doors.



SLIP! CRASH! BANG! He fell over on some pound coins.


"Sorry!" called Andrew, "My fault. I can't scoop 'em up in time and Emma has locked herself in the cash office as she's not changing these."

"HEY!!! I'M CLAIMING COMPENSATION. YOU CAN'T DO THIS" boomed Mr. Fluke as he passed out unconscious, the swelling tide of coins sweeping his body outside Club Release into the path of a taxi, a chav and a Bendibus.


"This is ridiculous" Steve groaned, suffocating within the increasing dense atmosphere of pound coins.

"This reminds me of playing What's in your box? on Hotel Street" said George.

"What's that George? You sexy beast!"

It seemed the pound coins were causing Doppler muffling reflex audio echoes and the name Pauline had become distorted to sound like the name George. Either that or Andrew was being very gay and camp.....No surely not. Anyone who sang along to Wham must be a red blooded male through and through.


Still the machine payed and payed. The ring road ground to a halt. The suberbs started to grind to a halt. People were in a state of panic and ecstacy. Here was untold wealth, the prblem being you could only scoop so much of it up and then, before you knew it, you'd be six feet under in a big gold underground world where you could see nothing only hear some faint music in the background and some maniac shouting RAINBOW BINGO every minute or so.


Next to ASDA a chap also called George was blowing smoke into the face of a woman spunking cash into a Deal or no Deal. Some coins started trickling through the door. It wasn't long until The Goose was subject to the same sort of treatment. Those lucky enough to be able to get to a computer could make out the central part of The United Kingdom as a big mass of gold on Google Earth. Ppffft not again, said the staff at The Goose.

The the crossing from Dover to Calais became a sea of gold, then a footpath of gold then a mountain of gold. Europe, then Asia, Africa, America, Australia, both poles became gold.



There was a credit break. The LED chugged gayly up to £100,000,0000zoooglebooglewooofruglymooglyfucktasticllyspooglyion,000. More bars.



It was then Ann realised she was in the wrong shop.

"RAINB.....no hold on...this isn't Shipleys......" oblivious to the coins she stomped out the shop, ripping out the power cord.

The music stopped. The coins stopped.

Andrew switched the machine back on andpressed collect. The hopper spat out all the coins bar one....

Wwhhhhhrrrrrrr....brrrrrwwwhwhwhh.....whhhhhhrhrhrr

IOU £1.00


"Emma!!! It needs a refill" cried Andrew.

"It needs a refill darling." he said, his voice sounding as if it was aimed at me.

"Jammy bastard" said Steve.



Then the world imploded in on itself, the collosal weight of coinage too much to bear. Everyone died. The End. Apart from Ann who somehow survived and has called to some Aliens(p4 ones that john32 had'nt yet lost on) in a far, far away Galaxy. They now all happily play bingo at half past the hour.


Yellow 2 and 7. 27. We do have a winner. Please hold on to your tickets whilst we verify this claim for £1 of tokens. BEEP! BEEP BOOOP! Take me to your leader.
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Post by Guest »

JG smokes more than he sells.....
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trayhop123
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Post by trayhop123 »

obviously and shamelessly my personal fave has to be the one coming to my house for a game of cards (also cant be arsed to dig it out) .



and one of my favourite lines from another of his posts was ,,,,,,, along the lines of chavs in a seaside arcade forming a human chav pyramid to shark you ,,lol,,,,,,,,,,,, it just conjures up the image in your mind , and ya cant stop giggling :P



a genius of wordplay no doubt ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



BUT ,,,,,,,, and i hope he doesn't mind me saying this (ive said it to his face anyhow )

a tragic waste of vocation on fruits , for an intellect so rare , that if he only applied himself more , could have risen himself to the top of any chosen academic field .
Little discipline = BIG issue

**** ****
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Post by silent g »

you can f-off if you think im reading all of that!
condoms... ribbed for her pleasure! turn it inside out and its ribbed for my pleasure :)
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Post by GaryChandler »

I sometimes think that when i see a JG post, but its always worth the read!
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Nixxy
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Post by Nixxy »

Hope you don't mind me posting this one JG, originally posted in, er, 'another forum' early last year, before the £70JP had hit the streets:
JG - Sunday 26th April 2009 wrote:Hello. Started off in the town centre at my favourite Cluedo. Someone had left 10p in a redundant ashtray thing near an old speaker inside a small boot in a flowerbed next to the drip trays. I happened to espy this silver temptress and loaded that baby up into the Cluedo. It rolled in cherries and gave super feature up to one feature above 'the feature'. I wasn't sure if this was the free board or not, toyed with collecting but when I accidentally pressed lower than a 1, it only gave the zero didn't it!?! I knew then for sure, that this was the freebie. It went for a decidedly mediocre £70 and sure enough I got Cive us some glue a few 10ps later. I was feeling so lucky I hit this blindfolded with the extreme point of the cuticle on my big toe. Naturally I got MS which went for a cool £70! I knew there was more value but I didn't want to be greedy, so went to the next pub which had Jackpots that Rock 'n Roll and a What's in your Box in there.

Straight onto the JTRAR and a lovely 2 first press
Easiest and quickest £105 ever.
Thought I'd try some more boardage, cost £2 for a Super Silly Stop that I messed up for £20, no bother, next board was red JTRAR for a £70. Decided, reluctantly, to leave it.

I tried a £1 into the Wiyb but it kept giving the dial on 10p play and not letting me on, so I thought it was dead until I accidentally switched over to 50p play and it slow rolled in red 7s + dial and flashed for MS. This went for the obligatory flat £35 until I realised I had no credit in. Someone had dropped a £50 note, in fact a bundle of £50 notes near the base of the machine. Careless. In fact it was more than careless, it was bloody inconsiderate. Notechangers don't take £50s, so I had to feed another £1 in for the multiple breakers which put the bank up to £68.
Next board cost 20p, for a superhold onto numbers. Flash, alas only £35.
Then a quick dial board for a ripped £35, landing on multi add it added the other two Mega cups for a ripped top. Then a couple of win stoppers for £10 and £15 before it started blocking at £2 and giving the dial again which went up for a couple of MS on the deal or no deal.

Then onto a Jailbirds that was £5 starting, cost a whole £18 to get the £105, probably won't bother with that again.

Next hit was a Star Wars. I had a good feeling when the old boy at the bar said it had been offerring Wild Streak for the past £50 of credits, but the chef kept missing it. Sure enough it went straight in for SW which paid £70 and next board was a £22.60 cashpot, which I collected and ran.

Then a quick stop in the arcade in the town centre. Onto a Golden Game that was full and £2 in it whistles. Drops in the bars and takes a credit. Bars. Credit. Bars. Then mystery for a £114 pot. Gutted, I carry on and get a hold after nudge on the feature. Turns out it was still paying and I get another £65 repeat pot. Then it rolled in bars, held for bars gave some Xs, autopipped for £45 then autopipped for £35 and against my better judgement, I decided to leave it.

I was about to try player two when an old granny put in a £2 coin and it whistled for a fiver. Jeeez, some people have all the luck, I hope the old bag rots in hell. Thank God it didn't hold or else I'd have been right narked at missing that. Player three was good for a quick, cheeky £232 repeat pot and five sets of bars, all off a £5 note.

I was just about to leave when I tried a £1 in Rainbow Riches. Don't play that said a person. Ok I said, but I'll just try a quid. It has just paid out £500 there is no chance in hell you can win again on that totally random lucky machine said the person. Not a chance. Sure enough it rolled in two pots a load of jackpots but somehow I only got three jacks for 50p. I decided to double it to £1. The button got stuck and it went £2,£4,£8 I was crying stop STOP! I WANT TO COLLECT! £16, £32, £64, £128, £256, then the button came unstuck. I decided to bank a small amount and gamble the rest to jackpot. It shortpayed by £224.

Whilst I was waiting for my payout I tried a £1 in Reel King and got the five ding streak where every credit you get the board. Made about £500 then it rolled in some 10s for £4, the button got stuck (is there a cheat on these?) and I accrued another £250ish win.

Had to buy a briefcase from the department store next door to carry all the coins and notes in. It was good, as it took the heat off me playing and made me look like a worker.

Popped into the Frog and Crumpet and they had two Hi Lo Silvers and Five Poker Faces.

Straight onto the Poker Faces and £105 all bar one stubborn git which paid £70 off £69. Won't be bothering with those again. There was a gaggle of chefs on the HLS, so moved onwards.


Decided to buy a lottery ticket, doubt the numbers will all come up. Seems these days it's only four or five numbers you get at a time. My days of getting six numbers have long gone. Used to happen all the time last year, but my luck has died down a bit. Still a nice little earner.


Then I went to Weatherspoons and they had seven Gamesnets with C4 on each one. All full. Made a slow £500ish.

Found a HOF boarding every other credit, but seemed a bit dead. Only managed twenty six Mega Streaks before it finally died.
Then a Mummy which took £10 to start redding up, so by usual standard obviously dead. Took eight £10 toggles off a fiver and left it - absolute garbage, only £65 up.
Found an Extreme '25' giving the three icons off the first spin. Kept give £100 full tops. Blatently on its arse.
Then a Duff Beer Guide so dead, it had to be hi/lo gambled for 'welcome to The Duff Brewery' it didn't give it on feature entry - must have been absolutely murdered. Got a handful of Moe's Taverns and left with a disappointing £200 profit.

Finally, last hit of the day, a Monopoly Hot Property. £1 in COB for £35! Easy, so easy in fact I tried the Al Murray and got 12 shots on trebles on 50p play with double darts. Three Bullseyes for a £140 Meqa Streak.

I was reluctanct to go home, what with all the reasonable luck and that, but I had to get back to check my coupons on Betfair. I had Man U to win, Man U to win some more, Man U to win again, bloomin' Man U AGAIN, Man U, Man U, Manchester United to win and Man U to win. For a £1 stake I had a return of £1.56 on this accumulator.....get the f*** in there sports fans.

I'll probably take a couple of years off playing now. The game's not what it used to be.

Cheers,

JG
This machine may at times offer a choice where the player has every chance of bankruptcy
fatbloke
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Post by fatbloke »

wasted an hour decoding this
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Ruler of The World
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Post by Ruler of The World »

I was bored, but not bored enough to read this!
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