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GaryChandler
- Senior Member
- Posts: 2024
- Joined: Sun Sep 17, 2006 10:51 pm
- Location: Hampshire
As desire for Nudgeman's Christmas Cracker seems to have been piqued by Christmas boredom, hopefully not peaked by Boxing Day, I'll get my creative turkey juices into action and try and rattle something up before the twelve days of Christmas are over.
I must apologise for the second year running, for my flagrant disregard for my tradition of posting a story on Christmas Day, often featuring the popular AWP superhero, and his jackpot PLUndering capabilities, Nudgeman. You did have Lock Stock and Two Smoking Rockets though, a well received piece that even the hrk complimented.
I'll go for a bike ride tomorrow, skid around, fall off and think up a bone cracking story in hospital and post it up here....
It's not too late for Nudgeman's Christmas Cracker 2009....
I must apologise for the second year running, for my flagrant disregard for my tradition of posting a story on Christmas Day, often featuring the popular AWP superhero, and his jackpot PLUndering capabilities, Nudgeman. You did have Lock Stock and Two Smoking Rockets though, a well received piece that even the hrk complimented.
I'll go for a bike ride tomorrow, skid around, fall off and think up a bone cracking story in hospital and post it up here....
It's not too late for Nudgeman's Christmas Cracker 2009....
IT IS HERE 
The great thing about cable was that it gave nothing away. No Turner Prizes for works of art featuring asymmetrical angular metal rods with just a drizzle of uniformity towering absurdly above the ground. No Jodrell Bank tributes with huge satellite dishes adjoined to the rock by the cave entrance. Nothing. Not even the obligatory Nudgerock at the entrance, that was always a bit of a giveaway before.
The cave was covert in every way, totally underground and the concealed entrance was hidden along a row of rabbit warrens.
The digital signal was perfect, alas, in Nudgeman's opinion the program wasn't.
Slotting was the new property, the new cooking, the new enterprise on the block. Everyone wanted to be on the 'slottery ladder', climbing to the elusive top boy status. Ratty methods were thinly concealed in these programs, driving the programmers harder to put in more sophisticated, undetectable cheats into the programs, so the top boys could go out on month long lucrative jaunts on the road.
To be fair, most of the content was highly generic and the idea was to produce a program on a shoestring, sell it to the TV company and hope that the viewing public felt sufficiently bamboozled by the glitz to lap up the highly bloated time to content ratio.
Now it seemed to be the time for a phone in, with the hot character of the minute, or years as Nudgeman would say it felt like.
"Who does he think he is? Look all la-de-da in his Stone Island cape and finest Asdas, bloody Captain flamin' Discipline."
Good job Robin wasn't here, he would bow down and worship the ground Captain Discipline walked on or else he was only waiting for those pockets to break, surely no one wants to hear this thought Nudgeman glumly....
The two presenters, RichWad Maddely and Judy Win-a-Gain hosted most of the earlier morning programs from the AwpTV studios. Established presenters in their field they began the feature with Captain Discipline, with Judy sensibly leading, setting up RichWad to ask the edgier questions.
"So Captain Discipline what do you have for breakfast?"
"Well you won't find me messing about chomping on McMuffins, Spoon's garbage or overpriced reheated slop in a service station. It's a fruit smoothie and a Ginster's Breakfast Roll. Antioxidants and stodge combined to set you up for the long day ahead. Best thing about the breakfast,,,you can eat it on the move, saving time en route to your first hit of the day."
RichWad nodded approvingly and Judy rolled out another question.
"And err how long do you spend on the road each day?"
"Good question. There's no set time limit, how long is a piece of string? I set myself an ambitious route or list of playables to go through and when I'm done I'm done. I mean I'm not promoting 24/7 playing here, you've got to have some life, it's all about a happy balance, but what you have got to have is,,,,"
"Discipline" echoed Nudgeman, almost automatically, back in the cave, "DAAA! He's got me brainwashed and all...I'll give him bloody discipline, why doesn't he ever get involved in a Reel King Pots for fook’s sake!?!"
Back in the studio RichWad jumped in....
"Do you not get tempted in by the wrong machines? I mean isn't gambling addiction part of what got you to where you are today?"
"Absolutely. I'm under no illusions. I know the right path and the wrong path. All it takes is just the one bad decision, just the one and I'm taking the shine off my day. No way I'm relying on hope and glory, you have to realise it's a slow grind. No one but yourself to thank for your decision to stick with playables. It's all about discipline. If you haven't got discipline, you're not a player. End of."
"So let me get this right, I know one of the top boys let's say and I've got this emptier that's making me £1000 a day easily and I'm losing £500 a day on roulette. Does that mean I'm not a player?"
"In my opinion and this is only my opinion remember, but yes, you're not a player in that case. You have to ask yourself what will you do when the emptier is no longer? When the playables are thin on the ground? Roulette is an addiction and if you think you can turn it off just like that, then you should have been disciplined enough not to play in the first place."
"Excellent, right we're running out of time we have to move on, thank you again Captain Discipline, great insight and motivation there, you really are a wholesome inspiration to all slotters out and about and in their homes watching this today. Any last words before we go to the news?"
"Yep, a last word in fact. One word. Discipline."
"Of course. News now, a speed bump has been raised at the entrance to Hopwood Park services, so slotters driving in at speed for the chipped Hi/Lo Silver, should exercise caution..."
<<Click>>
Fuming, Nudgeman switched off the set. Why wasn't he, the mighty Nudgeman on the TV? Had he not defeated the likes of The Jackpot Joker, The LooTer and The Penguin? Well no actually, the jackpot joker had a route that covered Neptune to Mars, the LooTer made thrice the money Nudgeman made by LooTing things and he'd been thrown out The Penguin for inappropriate attire.
Either way, no way that Captain Discipline should be allowed on there.
"I say Robin! No way Capt.."
"Not this again Nudgeman, you know you're the only person who doesn't like Captain Discipline." said Robin returning back to the cave's main living quarters.
"Where have you been?"
"Oh you know. Whilst things are phat, got to make hay. Just done a route of a few playables. Nothing dodgy. It's all about discipline."
"My brain feels like stewed apples in a pressure cooker. If another person goes on about discipline I will blow. That cosy Captain had better shake up his act, I'm going to set him up good and proper. Just one picture of him playing a Let's Play Deal or no Deal. That's all it takes. Just one picture. Send it off to the Daily Bar and his reputation will be nicely toasted."
"You wouldn't Nudgeman."
"I bloody well would. Even the Jackpot Joker worships the sun shining out that Captain’s backside."
It was then that the Nudgephone rang.
"That's not sun Nudgefool. It's last nights chinky kebab. Now listen you caped crank pot. Ha, I like that name. Now listen, I've just had a great idea. We'll take a picture of you losing a wad in a non playable. We'll send it in to Captain Discipline on AwpTV and he can make an example of you. You lose your superhero status and we know that without that cape, you can't even hit a basic skill continue. You'll be doomed. Robin will be mine and the dole queue, will be yours!!! hahahaha! How does that sound for a Nudgeplan....Nudgeman??? Eh??? How does that sound?"
"I think you've got the wrong number" Clunk. Nudgeman replaced the receiver, whilst profusely trying to sweat away the harsh reality that his arch rival was planning to get up to mischief at his expense.
"Who was that?"
"No one Robin just pranksters, pranksters that sounded very much like The Jackpot Joker."
"Well err, the phone's ringing again.....shall I get it?"
"No.....allow me....I'll put them in their place....RIGHT OK THE GAME'S UP, very funny, but enough is enough...."
"...hahaha hang up all you like. My plans are irreversible and what will happen will happen, in fact, nearly time to go, my minions are nearly there with the camera equipment. Nice knowing you Nudgeman, but looks like we'll be returning your cape sooner rather than later.....say cheese!!!"
"That pesky eejit. Jackpot Joker my arse. Got the place bugged Robin I swear, no sooner do I talk about setting Captain Discipline up and he's phoning about setting me up. Well he can snap away all he likes, I'll be out winning money and getting that irritating Captain off the box, as I'm already off mine listening to him pipe on about bloody discipline."
The limousine continued its stately passage along the N461 Nudgeroad to the IGT studios. In the back sat a couple of twentysomethings, one female, one male. The chauffeur stared ahead at the road, whilst a stocky guy with a Bluetooth headset and a jet black suit turned around as the partition window lowered.
"You remember your scripts?"
"Oh absolutely darling!" shrilled the thespian without a hint of mock enthusiasm
"I've been rehearsing all night." cooed the female one of the duo
"Good. Now I've been asked to amend them slightly. We're picking up another character. It's a new storyline. This character will be videoed losing a shed load in a Rainbow Riches. Then we'll whack it in test, get the pots up, you’ll get the gold. Then we'll load it with coins and cut to you collecting out the 'winnings' in real play mode, finally some shots of babe before we roll it out. Now I now it's short notice, but I need you to both look at the amended scripts. Don't fuck this up now, it's a big You Tube hitter this one. Tabloid fodder. Not just IGT interested in this one, we got another, dare I say, another more powerful client with a vested interest. Babe I want maximum feistiness....more pouting....more pouting......there's a team of makeup artists on call at the studios, we'll get you right kitted out.....Buddy have we got enough hair gel for you? No? Emergency I‘ll radio in....Agent #1 to IGT studios, extra tubs of hair gel required.....hey look it's Captain Discipline on AwpTV.....he's good this guy, he's got metal, gotta give him that.....but he's a fad.....our videos will see to that......just wait here driver.....I need to fetch the third 'actor'."
Agent #1 left the limo, as Buddy and Babe watched Captain Discipline talk about various flavours of J2O on the screens in the limo.
Agent #1 had no idea what to do next, based on the last minute brief from the ‘JJ‘. What was the etiquette for announcing you were at the cave entrance. Knock on a rock? Just fall in? Shout hello down the hole?
"Coooeeeeeee!"
Arrrrgh! way too camp, way to camp for someone in shades and a Black suit in December. Way too camp. He decided to swallow his shame and just fall in......
"Well as I was saying Robin, my plan will be to get the most exquisite chinky kebabs known to man. We'll lure in the Captain that way. Then lock the doors. There'll be nothing but piles of coins, a deal or no deal and chinky kebabs. He'll cave in, you've got to love my plan."
"I do love it. But we're on a time schedule. You must come with me, the client demands it"
Said a voice that wasn’t Robin.
"What? huh? who?"
"Time for introductions later. Now come along or else I'll put a cigarette burn on that cheap plastic cape."
"Actually where IS Robin?"
"Where you'll be soon if you don't shut up. Tied up in the cellar with a self detonating device. Like I say, we're on a tight time schedule and so is he, if you don't do what I say."
"Oh I see. The Jackpot Joker's motley minions have invaded the cave. Well, well, well, it has been a long time hasn’t it? What a pleasure. For your information you and your pal The Jackpot Joker will be a long time dead when I sort this mess out."
"I don't mean to press you but we're contributing to climate change here. Also I've left the limo on a set of triple yellows. If I get a fixed penalty notice as a result of this, you're paying you caped crank pot."
"Why does everyone keep calling me that?"
"Don't know, don’t care, but if you want to save Robin, better chop chop or he'll be burnt chop chop.....hmmm tasty with a dash of Cranberry sauce..."
Reluctantly Nudgeman made his way to the limousine. He’d think of a plan, fob this bunch of morons off and then rescue Robin using his rapid fire skills to neutralise whatever explosive device had been used to hold him hostage.
Agent #1 spoke as soon as they were all seated.
"Right. New addition to the team. Buddy, Babe, let me introduce you to Nudgeman."
"Is he RADA trained?" tutted Buddy annoyed.
"I doubt he's even with Equity" flounced Winningbabe.
"Yes, we're professionals you know, we don't work with any old riff raff."
"Yes IGT don't pay us nearly £100,000 a year just to look good you know. Our elocution is the finest in the land"
Agent #1 snarled miserably
"YEAH and my electrocution is the finest in the land as you'll find out if you don't shut up. Listen....read yer scripts, we're on a tight time schedule here. Hey.....what have you done with Jeeves?"
It appeared a new driver was in charge of the limo. A keen detective would have spotted the 'JJ' cuff links, but there was no need for keen detectives. The hideous visage of the Jackpot Joker was revealed to all, as the old chauffeur’s hat blew off in the wind.
"Hahahahahhahahaha! Nudgeman. Hahahhahahhahahhaha! I wouldn't miss this for the world. You're doomed, no longer a caped crank pot, just a crank pot. Once we've got you on tape, you'll be a nobody. A laughing stock denigrated to Joe Shmuck. Awww how d'ya feel?"
"Aww how d'ya feel Winningbabe?" practiced Buddy
"BACK TO THE SCRIPT PLEASE!" barked Agent #1
The IGT studios were looming on the horizon. Massive white buildings in the middle of nowhere.
Strangely enough, Captain Discipline was now out in the middle of nowhere. Field Marshall Martal and Lieutenant Scott phoned in for a progress report.
"How's the spotting going? Seen any playables?"
"Not yet chaps. Even Captain Discipline is having trouble in this neck of the woods. I'm in the middle of nowhere. There's nothing about. Just got this white building right on the horizon to check out. Could be a huge amusement arcade,,,,gotta check it out,,,,it's so remote I know George from Coalville won't be doing any of the games inside,,,,speak later."
Back in the limo the Jackpot Joker pulled out just outside the main studio one entrance. Buddy, Babe, Nudgeman and Agent #1 stepped outside. A stark soulless light swathed the barren building in the barren landscape, in the middle of nowhere.
"Everyone read their scripts?"
"Yeah"
"Any questions? yeah Nudgeface..."
"Err I don't like the bit where it says I have to say I'm such a swedehead, I've just done my entire life savings, all £498 in this Rainbow Riches."
Buddy intervened "Well time to get into character amateur, I've got no problems with my lines....check this.....YEAH BABEZZZ! £2 IN!!! FOR GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD getthefuckinthereboy SPORTS FANS!!! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!!!!"
"Yeah Nudgeface, listen to the pros, now get a shuffle on, we've only got this studio for twenty minutes ."
"We've got it for as long as we like, I say so...." interjected the Jackpot Joker.
"I didn't make myself clear for Nudgeman's benefit. We need to get this filmed in twenty minutes if Nudgefart's accomplice Robin is to survive, otherwise it's not just your reputation in tatters, it's Robin Reel Blasts as well, now break a leg y’all before I break one for you."
And so the scripted story began to unroll, until the recording equipment packed up. With a judder and a fizzle, it seemed a nasty virus had wiped out the camera equipment.
"Looks like our cameras were hacked" said the main technician, "some cider drinking fool from Brighton trying to hack into a chat board, took the wrong turning, he's burnt out all the camera equipment."
"Well, looks like we can't continue, " said Nudgeman, "if there are no cameras, we can't film, hand over the keys to the limo, only fair that Robin doesn‘t get burnt to smithereens."
"Not so fast....Buddy get your phone out"
"You said don't bring phones to this one, it'll ruin the line of my trousers and Babe's corset."
"Jackpot Joker....you've got a phone"
"hahahahah yeah! Damn good one too, it has do-deca band, so you can phone up aliens on Mars, ESP interface so you can think texts to people and multi compu compatibility."
"Yeah but..."
"hush, it can store up to sixty squillion friends, which ain't of much use to you Nudgeman, it can also store up to sixty squillion enemies and when I say store, I mean quite literally store, locked up for eternity in its memory. I could just zap you away in here, if you're on the same network, but where is the fun in that? plus it has a sixty squillion mega pixel video camera"
"Great, let's roll VT....lights....camera....."
"No no, slight problem, I used the self detonate function and strapped it to Robin's foot."
"Hold on a moment, I remember now, I was having a moan about Captain Discipline, Robin went back out on a run, I heard the back rock clunk before he departed. He's on a ‘Discipline’ kick.....you say you strapped it to his foot in the cellar? I think you may be detonating our Christmas turkey Mr. Joker in less than half an hour. I hope you set the explosiveness for the size of turkey, I want it cooked and juicy by the time....."
"SILENCE NUDGE FOOL. Agent #1.....with all that Bluetooth paraphernalia, you must have a mobile phone on your person."
"No sorry, this doesn't work it's just for show. I'm not the complete article. I haven't even got any pants on under this suit."
"KARRRUMPH! THIS PLAN IS DOOMED. WHAT A WASTE, all it has achieved is a nicely roasted turkey for Nudgeman....Nudgeman.....your phone please....."
"I'd love to oblige but I was playing near Evesham the other day and a cantankerous Pub Landlord said I had been playing for more than three minutes and he'd have to confiscate my phone."
It seemed Nudgeman was saved, until, until the Jackpot Joker spotted a phone in the corner of the studio out of the set inside a new IGT test piece.
IGTs ‘Cracker Stacker’ was a new novelty skill piece. The idea was to line up the big red blobs on a plasma screen which set fire to the centre of a cracker if done successfully. The cracker would explode and a hungry frog would jump up out the cracker and grab a prize with its tongue. The higher the cracker was stacked, the higher the frog would jump and the higher the prize. The top prize was a sixty squillion mega pixel phone with video camera record function.
"hahahahhahahah, seems we're NOT out of viable recording equipment after all. You get back to your scripts. £1/play, I'll have this camera out of here for peanuts." Cackled the Jackpot Joker manically.
<<Ten minutes later>>
"Confounded machine! Stand back! I'll use my zapomatic rays to break through the glass...these frogs are cheating me. Spawny I ain‘t"
"Very interesting!"
"Who said that?"
"Captain Discipline! All on film Mr. Joker. Didn't expect to see you £200 into a Cracker Stacker for a poxy lollipop as I expect you didn't either. Still this will make a great video for my feature on AwpTV. Location noted if an empty comes out for Cracker Stackers. What are you doing playing Rainbow Riches Nudgeloon? Tsssk discipline people....one word,,,,DISCIPLINE."
"You think you will leave this building alive? Mr. Oh so full of Discipline? hahahahhahaha. I am the most powerful tyrant alive and I have a zapomatic zapotron in my pocket."
"Well, that's nice to know, I thought you were just pleased to see me, but should you decide to use it to stop me leaving with this film of you losing your rag on a Cracker Stacker I must warn you of this...."
"Hahahaha! What are you going to do Mame me to death with a million different versions of Shinobi? Show me an Incredible Hulk comic from 1986?"
"Wrong. I have just eaten two chinky kebabs. The skewers are sharp enough to pierce both of your cerebral hemispheres. Now stand aside."
And so Captain Discipline saved the day. The Jackpot Joker had to admit defeat and Buddy Love and Winningbabe still got a decent paycheque from IGT.
"This turkey is done to perfection."
"It's the way I cook 'em Robin. All the rage this year, dynamite turkey. Shall we watch AwpTV? I think that Captain Discipline is on now, worth a watch."
"Serious? Thought you didn't like him Nudgeman?”
"Really? Whatever gave you that idea, you know I've always said Robin, the one thing that is most important. One word. ONE WORD"
"What's that?"
"One word. Don'tplayReelKingPots. One word."
"Amen, I'll raise a glass of sherry to that. I've baked the Christmas pud that you left by the entrance to the cave"
"Robin that was no Christmas Pud, that was a mound of rabbit droppings."
"Ne'er mind, should taste alright once I've drizzled it with brandy and set it alight, if not we'll send it to that pesky pub landlord from near Evesham, it should go nicely with his steak and ale pies."
"Let's drink to that....Peace on Earth, Goodwill to all men, from Nudgeman's Christmas Cracker 2009....you know what…..I think it’s almost the New Year, we’re running a bit late…..less than one hour to 2010, so we should wish ourselves a Happy New Year and the same goes for all those on Fruit Chat.”
With that the toast was made and the discipline continues way before any New Year’s resolutions are made.
The great thing about cable was that it gave nothing away. No Turner Prizes for works of art featuring asymmetrical angular metal rods with just a drizzle of uniformity towering absurdly above the ground. No Jodrell Bank tributes with huge satellite dishes adjoined to the rock by the cave entrance. Nothing. Not even the obligatory Nudgerock at the entrance, that was always a bit of a giveaway before.
The cave was covert in every way, totally underground and the concealed entrance was hidden along a row of rabbit warrens.
The digital signal was perfect, alas, in Nudgeman's opinion the program wasn't.
Slotting was the new property, the new cooking, the new enterprise on the block. Everyone wanted to be on the 'slottery ladder', climbing to the elusive top boy status. Ratty methods were thinly concealed in these programs, driving the programmers harder to put in more sophisticated, undetectable cheats into the programs, so the top boys could go out on month long lucrative jaunts on the road.
To be fair, most of the content was highly generic and the idea was to produce a program on a shoestring, sell it to the TV company and hope that the viewing public felt sufficiently bamboozled by the glitz to lap up the highly bloated time to content ratio.
Now it seemed to be the time for a phone in, with the hot character of the minute, or years as Nudgeman would say it felt like.
"Who does he think he is? Look all la-de-da in his Stone Island cape and finest Asdas, bloody Captain flamin' Discipline."
Good job Robin wasn't here, he would bow down and worship the ground Captain Discipline walked on or else he was only waiting for those pockets to break, surely no one wants to hear this thought Nudgeman glumly....
The two presenters, RichWad Maddely and Judy Win-a-Gain hosted most of the earlier morning programs from the AwpTV studios. Established presenters in their field they began the feature with Captain Discipline, with Judy sensibly leading, setting up RichWad to ask the edgier questions.
"So Captain Discipline what do you have for breakfast?"
"Well you won't find me messing about chomping on McMuffins, Spoon's garbage or overpriced reheated slop in a service station. It's a fruit smoothie and a Ginster's Breakfast Roll. Antioxidants and stodge combined to set you up for the long day ahead. Best thing about the breakfast,,,you can eat it on the move, saving time en route to your first hit of the day."
RichWad nodded approvingly and Judy rolled out another question.
"And err how long do you spend on the road each day?"
"Good question. There's no set time limit, how long is a piece of string? I set myself an ambitious route or list of playables to go through and when I'm done I'm done. I mean I'm not promoting 24/7 playing here, you've got to have some life, it's all about a happy balance, but what you have got to have is,,,,"
"Discipline" echoed Nudgeman, almost automatically, back in the cave, "DAAA! He's got me brainwashed and all...I'll give him bloody discipline, why doesn't he ever get involved in a Reel King Pots for fook’s sake!?!"
Back in the studio RichWad jumped in....
"Do you not get tempted in by the wrong machines? I mean isn't gambling addiction part of what got you to where you are today?"
"Absolutely. I'm under no illusions. I know the right path and the wrong path. All it takes is just the one bad decision, just the one and I'm taking the shine off my day. No way I'm relying on hope and glory, you have to realise it's a slow grind. No one but yourself to thank for your decision to stick with playables. It's all about discipline. If you haven't got discipline, you're not a player. End of."
"So let me get this right, I know one of the top boys let's say and I've got this emptier that's making me £1000 a day easily and I'm losing £500 a day on roulette. Does that mean I'm not a player?"
"In my opinion and this is only my opinion remember, but yes, you're not a player in that case. You have to ask yourself what will you do when the emptier is no longer? When the playables are thin on the ground? Roulette is an addiction and if you think you can turn it off just like that, then you should have been disciplined enough not to play in the first place."
"Excellent, right we're running out of time we have to move on, thank you again Captain Discipline, great insight and motivation there, you really are a wholesome inspiration to all slotters out and about and in their homes watching this today. Any last words before we go to the news?"
"Yep, a last word in fact. One word. Discipline."
"Of course. News now, a speed bump has been raised at the entrance to Hopwood Park services, so slotters driving in at speed for the chipped Hi/Lo Silver, should exercise caution..."
<<Click>>
Fuming, Nudgeman switched off the set. Why wasn't he, the mighty Nudgeman on the TV? Had he not defeated the likes of The Jackpot Joker, The LooTer and The Penguin? Well no actually, the jackpot joker had a route that covered Neptune to Mars, the LooTer made thrice the money Nudgeman made by LooTing things and he'd been thrown out The Penguin for inappropriate attire.
Either way, no way that Captain Discipline should be allowed on there.
"I say Robin! No way Capt.."
"Not this again Nudgeman, you know you're the only person who doesn't like Captain Discipline." said Robin returning back to the cave's main living quarters.
"Where have you been?"
"Oh you know. Whilst things are phat, got to make hay. Just done a route of a few playables. Nothing dodgy. It's all about discipline."
"My brain feels like stewed apples in a pressure cooker. If another person goes on about discipline I will blow. That cosy Captain had better shake up his act, I'm going to set him up good and proper. Just one picture of him playing a Let's Play Deal or no Deal. That's all it takes. Just one picture. Send it off to the Daily Bar and his reputation will be nicely toasted."
"You wouldn't Nudgeman."
"I bloody well would. Even the Jackpot Joker worships the sun shining out that Captain’s backside."
It was then that the Nudgephone rang.
"That's not sun Nudgefool. It's last nights chinky kebab. Now listen you caped crank pot. Ha, I like that name. Now listen, I've just had a great idea. We'll take a picture of you losing a wad in a non playable. We'll send it in to Captain Discipline on AwpTV and he can make an example of you. You lose your superhero status and we know that without that cape, you can't even hit a basic skill continue. You'll be doomed. Robin will be mine and the dole queue, will be yours!!! hahahaha! How does that sound for a Nudgeplan....Nudgeman??? Eh??? How does that sound?"
"I think you've got the wrong number" Clunk. Nudgeman replaced the receiver, whilst profusely trying to sweat away the harsh reality that his arch rival was planning to get up to mischief at his expense.
"Who was that?"
"No one Robin just pranksters, pranksters that sounded very much like The Jackpot Joker."
"Well err, the phone's ringing again.....shall I get it?"
"No.....allow me....I'll put them in their place....RIGHT OK THE GAME'S UP, very funny, but enough is enough...."
"...hahaha hang up all you like. My plans are irreversible and what will happen will happen, in fact, nearly time to go, my minions are nearly there with the camera equipment. Nice knowing you Nudgeman, but looks like we'll be returning your cape sooner rather than later.....say cheese!!!"
"That pesky eejit. Jackpot Joker my arse. Got the place bugged Robin I swear, no sooner do I talk about setting Captain Discipline up and he's phoning about setting me up. Well he can snap away all he likes, I'll be out winning money and getting that irritating Captain off the box, as I'm already off mine listening to him pipe on about bloody discipline."
The limousine continued its stately passage along the N461 Nudgeroad to the IGT studios. In the back sat a couple of twentysomethings, one female, one male. The chauffeur stared ahead at the road, whilst a stocky guy with a Bluetooth headset and a jet black suit turned around as the partition window lowered.
"You remember your scripts?"
"Oh absolutely darling!" shrilled the thespian without a hint of mock enthusiasm
"I've been rehearsing all night." cooed the female one of the duo
"Good. Now I've been asked to amend them slightly. We're picking up another character. It's a new storyline. This character will be videoed losing a shed load in a Rainbow Riches. Then we'll whack it in test, get the pots up, you’ll get the gold. Then we'll load it with coins and cut to you collecting out the 'winnings' in real play mode, finally some shots of babe before we roll it out. Now I now it's short notice, but I need you to both look at the amended scripts. Don't fuck this up now, it's a big You Tube hitter this one. Tabloid fodder. Not just IGT interested in this one, we got another, dare I say, another more powerful client with a vested interest. Babe I want maximum feistiness....more pouting....more pouting......there's a team of makeup artists on call at the studios, we'll get you right kitted out.....Buddy have we got enough hair gel for you? No? Emergency I‘ll radio in....Agent #1 to IGT studios, extra tubs of hair gel required.....hey look it's Captain Discipline on AwpTV.....he's good this guy, he's got metal, gotta give him that.....but he's a fad.....our videos will see to that......just wait here driver.....I need to fetch the third 'actor'."
Agent #1 left the limo, as Buddy and Babe watched Captain Discipline talk about various flavours of J2O on the screens in the limo.
Agent #1 had no idea what to do next, based on the last minute brief from the ‘JJ‘. What was the etiquette for announcing you were at the cave entrance. Knock on a rock? Just fall in? Shout hello down the hole?
"Coooeeeeeee!"
Arrrrgh! way too camp, way to camp for someone in shades and a Black suit in December. Way too camp. He decided to swallow his shame and just fall in......
"Well as I was saying Robin, my plan will be to get the most exquisite chinky kebabs known to man. We'll lure in the Captain that way. Then lock the doors. There'll be nothing but piles of coins, a deal or no deal and chinky kebabs. He'll cave in, you've got to love my plan."
"I do love it. But we're on a time schedule. You must come with me, the client demands it"
Said a voice that wasn’t Robin.
"What? huh? who?"
"Time for introductions later. Now come along or else I'll put a cigarette burn on that cheap plastic cape."
"Actually where IS Robin?"
"Where you'll be soon if you don't shut up. Tied up in the cellar with a self detonating device. Like I say, we're on a tight time schedule and so is he, if you don't do what I say."
"Oh I see. The Jackpot Joker's motley minions have invaded the cave. Well, well, well, it has been a long time hasn’t it? What a pleasure. For your information you and your pal The Jackpot Joker will be a long time dead when I sort this mess out."
"I don't mean to press you but we're contributing to climate change here. Also I've left the limo on a set of triple yellows. If I get a fixed penalty notice as a result of this, you're paying you caped crank pot."
"Why does everyone keep calling me that?"
"Don't know, don’t care, but if you want to save Robin, better chop chop or he'll be burnt chop chop.....hmmm tasty with a dash of Cranberry sauce..."
Reluctantly Nudgeman made his way to the limousine. He’d think of a plan, fob this bunch of morons off and then rescue Robin using his rapid fire skills to neutralise whatever explosive device had been used to hold him hostage.
Agent #1 spoke as soon as they were all seated.
"Right. New addition to the team. Buddy, Babe, let me introduce you to Nudgeman."
"Is he RADA trained?" tutted Buddy annoyed.
"I doubt he's even with Equity" flounced Winningbabe.
"Yes, we're professionals you know, we don't work with any old riff raff."
"Yes IGT don't pay us nearly £100,000 a year just to look good you know. Our elocution is the finest in the land"
Agent #1 snarled miserably
"YEAH and my electrocution is the finest in the land as you'll find out if you don't shut up. Listen....read yer scripts, we're on a tight time schedule here. Hey.....what have you done with Jeeves?"
It appeared a new driver was in charge of the limo. A keen detective would have spotted the 'JJ' cuff links, but there was no need for keen detectives. The hideous visage of the Jackpot Joker was revealed to all, as the old chauffeur’s hat blew off in the wind.
"Hahahahahhahahaha! Nudgeman. Hahahhahahhahahhaha! I wouldn't miss this for the world. You're doomed, no longer a caped crank pot, just a crank pot. Once we've got you on tape, you'll be a nobody. A laughing stock denigrated to Joe Shmuck. Awww how d'ya feel?"
"Aww how d'ya feel Winningbabe?" practiced Buddy
"BACK TO THE SCRIPT PLEASE!" barked Agent #1
The IGT studios were looming on the horizon. Massive white buildings in the middle of nowhere.
Strangely enough, Captain Discipline was now out in the middle of nowhere. Field Marshall Martal and Lieutenant Scott phoned in for a progress report.
"How's the spotting going? Seen any playables?"
"Not yet chaps. Even Captain Discipline is having trouble in this neck of the woods. I'm in the middle of nowhere. There's nothing about. Just got this white building right on the horizon to check out. Could be a huge amusement arcade,,,,gotta check it out,,,,it's so remote I know George from Coalville won't be doing any of the games inside,,,,speak later."
Back in the limo the Jackpot Joker pulled out just outside the main studio one entrance. Buddy, Babe, Nudgeman and Agent #1 stepped outside. A stark soulless light swathed the barren building in the barren landscape, in the middle of nowhere.
"Everyone read their scripts?"
"Yeah"
"Any questions? yeah Nudgeface..."
"Err I don't like the bit where it says I have to say I'm such a swedehead, I've just done my entire life savings, all £498 in this Rainbow Riches."
Buddy intervened "Well time to get into character amateur, I've got no problems with my lines....check this.....YEAH BABEZZZ! £2 IN!!! FOR GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD getthefuckinthereboy SPORTS FANS!!! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!!!!"
"Yeah Nudgeface, listen to the pros, now get a shuffle on, we've only got this studio for twenty minutes ."
"We've got it for as long as we like, I say so...." interjected the Jackpot Joker.
"I didn't make myself clear for Nudgeman's benefit. We need to get this filmed in twenty minutes if Nudgefart's accomplice Robin is to survive, otherwise it's not just your reputation in tatters, it's Robin Reel Blasts as well, now break a leg y’all before I break one for you."
And so the scripted story began to unroll, until the recording equipment packed up. With a judder and a fizzle, it seemed a nasty virus had wiped out the camera equipment.
"Looks like our cameras were hacked" said the main technician, "some cider drinking fool from Brighton trying to hack into a chat board, took the wrong turning, he's burnt out all the camera equipment."
"Well, looks like we can't continue, " said Nudgeman, "if there are no cameras, we can't film, hand over the keys to the limo, only fair that Robin doesn‘t get burnt to smithereens."
"Not so fast....Buddy get your phone out"
"You said don't bring phones to this one, it'll ruin the line of my trousers and Babe's corset."
"Jackpot Joker....you've got a phone"
"hahahahah yeah! Damn good one too, it has do-deca band, so you can phone up aliens on Mars, ESP interface so you can think texts to people and multi compu compatibility."
"Yeah but..."
"hush, it can store up to sixty squillion friends, which ain't of much use to you Nudgeman, it can also store up to sixty squillion enemies and when I say store, I mean quite literally store, locked up for eternity in its memory. I could just zap you away in here, if you're on the same network, but where is the fun in that? plus it has a sixty squillion mega pixel video camera"
"Great, let's roll VT....lights....camera....."
"No no, slight problem, I used the self detonate function and strapped it to Robin's foot."
"Hold on a moment, I remember now, I was having a moan about Captain Discipline, Robin went back out on a run, I heard the back rock clunk before he departed. He's on a ‘Discipline’ kick.....you say you strapped it to his foot in the cellar? I think you may be detonating our Christmas turkey Mr. Joker in less than half an hour. I hope you set the explosiveness for the size of turkey, I want it cooked and juicy by the time....."
"SILENCE NUDGE FOOL. Agent #1.....with all that Bluetooth paraphernalia, you must have a mobile phone on your person."
"No sorry, this doesn't work it's just for show. I'm not the complete article. I haven't even got any pants on under this suit."
"KARRRUMPH! THIS PLAN IS DOOMED. WHAT A WASTE, all it has achieved is a nicely roasted turkey for Nudgeman....Nudgeman.....your phone please....."
"I'd love to oblige but I was playing near Evesham the other day and a cantankerous Pub Landlord said I had been playing for more than three minutes and he'd have to confiscate my phone."
It seemed Nudgeman was saved, until, until the Jackpot Joker spotted a phone in the corner of the studio out of the set inside a new IGT test piece.
IGTs ‘Cracker Stacker’ was a new novelty skill piece. The idea was to line up the big red blobs on a plasma screen which set fire to the centre of a cracker if done successfully. The cracker would explode and a hungry frog would jump up out the cracker and grab a prize with its tongue. The higher the cracker was stacked, the higher the frog would jump and the higher the prize. The top prize was a sixty squillion mega pixel phone with video camera record function.
"hahahahhahahah, seems we're NOT out of viable recording equipment after all. You get back to your scripts. £1/play, I'll have this camera out of here for peanuts." Cackled the Jackpot Joker manically.
<<Ten minutes later>>
"Confounded machine! Stand back! I'll use my zapomatic rays to break through the glass...these frogs are cheating me. Spawny I ain‘t"
"Very interesting!"
"Who said that?"
"Captain Discipline! All on film Mr. Joker. Didn't expect to see you £200 into a Cracker Stacker for a poxy lollipop as I expect you didn't either. Still this will make a great video for my feature on AwpTV. Location noted if an empty comes out for Cracker Stackers. What are you doing playing Rainbow Riches Nudgeloon? Tsssk discipline people....one word,,,,DISCIPLINE."
"You think you will leave this building alive? Mr. Oh so full of Discipline? hahahahhahaha. I am the most powerful tyrant alive and I have a zapomatic zapotron in my pocket."
"Well, that's nice to know, I thought you were just pleased to see me, but should you decide to use it to stop me leaving with this film of you losing your rag on a Cracker Stacker I must warn you of this...."
"Hahahaha! What are you going to do Mame me to death with a million different versions of Shinobi? Show me an Incredible Hulk comic from 1986?"
"Wrong. I have just eaten two chinky kebabs. The skewers are sharp enough to pierce both of your cerebral hemispheres. Now stand aside."
And so Captain Discipline saved the day. The Jackpot Joker had to admit defeat and Buddy Love and Winningbabe still got a decent paycheque from IGT.
"This turkey is done to perfection."
"It's the way I cook 'em Robin. All the rage this year, dynamite turkey. Shall we watch AwpTV? I think that Captain Discipline is on now, worth a watch."
"Serious? Thought you didn't like him Nudgeman?”
"Really? Whatever gave you that idea, you know I've always said Robin, the one thing that is most important. One word. ONE WORD"
"What's that?"
"One word. Don'tplayReelKingPots. One word."
"Amen, I'll raise a glass of sherry to that. I've baked the Christmas pud that you left by the entrance to the cave"
"Robin that was no Christmas Pud, that was a mound of rabbit droppings."
"Ne'er mind, should taste alright once I've drizzled it with brandy and set it alight, if not we'll send it to that pesky pub landlord from near Evesham, it should go nicely with his steak and ale pies."
"Let's drink to that....Peace on Earth, Goodwill to all men, from Nudgeman's Christmas Cracker 2009....you know what…..I think it’s almost the New Year, we’re running a bit late…..less than one hour to 2010, so we should wish ourselves a Happy New Year and the same goes for all those on Fruit Chat.”
With that the toast was made and the discipline continues way before any New Year’s resolutions are made.
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Mr McStreak
JG....
If you were as good a slotter as you were at writing highly entertaining ficticious tales, then you'd be sat at home twiddling your thumbs, waiting, with baited breath, for a woman to give birth to a son/daughter who would eventually grow up to be a software designer/programmer for Bellcrest (amalgamation), and who would, having been persuaded by your gift for the spoken word, gleefully code in a 15 button hopper dump, on a machine which is being sold faster than it can be manufactured, for your personal gain.
Thats how far ahead of the game you would be.
The game would be so prevalent in the market that they'd be positioned in obsolete phone boxes, several on every street in the country, as well as in every cubicle of every public convenience. Not to mention every bookmakers, where every losing spin on roulette would result in the game in question being flagged up for you to exploit at your hearts content.
The trick would even respond better once the machine had been visited by a top player, and had every penny's worth of value extracted from it, and even to the point where its a credits worth of being behind to the point where it would lock up, and apply for some new software via an internal modem.
You'd be so far ahead of the game that machines would be visibly quaking with fear as you entered the pub. The more fortunate games would be fitted with a device which would allow themselves to switch themselves off. The less fortunate would wait until you collected the 'hide and seek' feature, and take the meaning far more literally than intended.
Thats as high a praise for your efforts that I can muster, without the benefit of another bottle of vodka.
Praise be.
If you were as good a slotter as you were at writing highly entertaining ficticious tales, then you'd be sat at home twiddling your thumbs, waiting, with baited breath, for a woman to give birth to a son/daughter who would eventually grow up to be a software designer/programmer for Bellcrest (amalgamation), and who would, having been persuaded by your gift for the spoken word, gleefully code in a 15 button hopper dump, on a machine which is being sold faster than it can be manufactured, for your personal gain.
Thats how far ahead of the game you would be.
The game would be so prevalent in the market that they'd be positioned in obsolete phone boxes, several on every street in the country, as well as in every cubicle of every public convenience. Not to mention every bookmakers, where every losing spin on roulette would result in the game in question being flagged up for you to exploit at your hearts content.
The trick would even respond better once the machine had been visited by a top player, and had every penny's worth of value extracted from it, and even to the point where its a credits worth of being behind to the point where it would lock up, and apply for some new software via an internal modem.
You'd be so far ahead of the game that machines would be visibly quaking with fear as you entered the pub. The more fortunate games would be fitted with a device which would allow themselves to switch themselves off. The less fortunate would wait until you collected the 'hide and seek' feature, and take the meaning far more literally than intended.
Thats as high a praise for your efforts that I can muster, without the benefit of another bottle of vodka.
Praise be.