Fruit Machine Chat

No doubt this has been brought up before. What has happened to you in a pub?

Well when I was out on monday. I needed a number 2 so ran to loo slammed door done my business went to grab the ... We're the fk is it?? Are no!! There isn't any bog roll. That was the only loo and there was hand dryers so no paper towels.

So I pulled my kegs up and off I went to the bar. Only full of young stunning lasses. I said excuse me she looked other but was at other side of bar.. Under my breath have you got any bog role please. Well that was it they were all laughing etc.. They made me wanna hop in my car and do one.

If yav gotta go yav gotta go.

I'm always amazed when people say they need a dump but they'll hold it till when they get back home!!

If I need a shit or feel one brewing I'm in the Rebecca as soon as possible!!! I've had numerous close calls, been in fucking agony many times hunting for a pooper.

A friend of mine tried to let a sneaky fart out in a hair dressers once. One of those posh tony and guy salons full of fit young birds. Unfortunately he followed thru and shat himself and then had to sit in it while they finished his hair cut!! Lovely stuff.

I remember once when I was travelling down the south coast some where. We'd left it to late to get a B&B and it was about 3am and I was desperate for a crap. I ducked into some bushes with a carrier bag and some wet wipes!! Started to unload into the bag and began wiping my arse when some tramp jumped out and scared even more shit out if me!! He just stood there staring at me!! I said 'do you mind if I wipe in peace!!' he still just stood there!!! So I just carried on!!

Numerous other stories over the years. If I need to go then get out my way!!!

I just read that actually laughing to myself. They are the good funny moments that make days out etc good crack.

Must've followed through a dozen times over the years

I admire ur honesty!!

I think I splashdown more than the average man. Probably about 4-5 a day on average. If its after a heavy session then that number can double. Think I'm single handedly keeping Andrex in business!!

When I was younger and without a son I was out alot. And my diet consisted of none or very little solids. So if ya don't eat owt solid I don't spose ya can shat owt out but water can you?

Had the choice one of either crapping myself in my car with my mate and driving for 13 miles stinking of shit (the runny but thick sort) or just doing it on a road near leicester square with about 50 people walking past.

As I didn't know any of the 50, I think you know which choice I took. ops:

Shit myself forcing out a £5 PCB whilst unwell many years ago when i knew that leaving it would result in losing it to the circling hawks, the failed force was even grimmer than the underpants situation (was about £20 in at the time, which is a fucking fortune when you're about 12)

If i remember rightly, i got sizzling sevens that repeated a few times and some afters so i near enough broke even, so was worth it

A lad who use to play for the same football team as me once told us that he was at home with his partner when she went for a shower. She called him to go and get in with her for a bit of 'fun'

At the time he had the shits but thought he would be ok
Anyway he went and things were getting a bit steamy when he farted and followed through all over the bath

Lovely

so you're telling me you didnt even consider using your underwear or socks to clean off the majority? or simply check the taps and soap were working and use a bit of imagination?

if i ever use any toilet anywhere i always check before.. even at work or at home..

also, if you go to your local council and ask for a disabled toilet key, they sell you one for about 80p.. which is good to use in some places...

It was 1 off them ones were there was no majority. Obviosly iwas walking funny and bogs we're right next to bar.

mr red it could of been worse imagine the other way round and she doing the dirty haha.

Ah yes there was a time when I just had 6 cheeseburgers and we were in this quiet small pub and Mr Glendale was taking out the fruit. All eyes were on us and noses after I did something!! I had to rush to the toilet with something running down my leg!

MrRed wrote:A lad who use to play for the same football team as me once told us that he was at home with his partner when she went for a shower. She called him to go and get in with her for a bit of 'fun'

At the time he had the shits but thought he would be ok
Anyway he went and things were getting a bit steamy when he farted and followed through all over the bath

What a shit story





I put my hands up to following through, not a good look in White boxers lol.

Don't worry Scott, I'm sure we've all had little accidents!!