The Pub Managers Guide

machine doctor · Post by **machine doctor** » Sun Jan 20, 2008 9:54 pm

After viewing the posts of managers complaining to machine players on winning only what was due to them anyway.I wonder if the managers are given some sort of guide to watching and disposing of the professional machine player.
As an engineer this is an interpretation of their possible guide and attitude aimed at service engineers.

The Pub Managers Guide For When Fruit Machine Malfunctions

1. Do not call for service until everyone has had time to form an opinion as to what is wrong.Give each member of staff (including the cleaner) an opportunity to correct the problem.Usually shaking and continuous switching on and off of the machine,and a hammering of the coin reject buttons is the normal practice.

2. After several days, when a machine malfunction(usually a few big banks payed out,or wait until the only bulb left working has blown) has become a major emergency.Place an URGENT service call, Fridays are the best time and after 1600 Hrs is fine.

3. Do not alert any staff of the call made for the engineer,so when he arrives recieves blank looks and replies of we never called you out, and will have to come back when the manager is in.

4. Make sure the exterior of the machine is as sticky and dirty as possible,tipping beer over the machine will be fine as the previous combination beer and cigarette ash is no longer an option.

5. The minute the engineer arrives,ask what caused the delay.Make it clear that you expected him two days ago even though you had just placed the call less than one hour ago,Before he can answer that question ask when the machine will be back in service.

6. When the engineer switches the machine on and it immediately goes into that horrible screeching alarm, tell him it started doing that after you had been flicking the mains switch on and off in your attempt to fix the problem and save you the cost of a phone call.

7. Continually make repeated references about the man who was here for the same problem last week.And tell him while hes in there to sort the % payout as its always coughing its guts out.

8. Allow at least 4 or more customers to pester the life out of the engineer asking him if he knows what hes doing and other general abuse.Joining in with this activity is encouraged as this really pisses him off.

9. Assign a member of staff to supervise the repair,someone that has no idea how to use the machine and for bonus points has bad breath is preferable.

10. Ask again when the machine will be ready.Good timing is essential and when the machine is in pieces and spread all over the floor will be just grand.

11. If the machine is in a narrow passage,the lighting should be as low as possible as its a well known fact that good engineers can work blindfolded.An added bonus is that customers passing in the passage,will have to keep pushing past the engineer and give comment on how they would have had the machine fixed by now.

12. If the engineer is looking at the machines schematic diagram,ask him (in a sarcastic voice) if he knows what hes doing as you repaired your toaster last week without the aid of a diagram.

13. When the repair is completed, totally ignore the engineer or try to make yourself unavailable to sign his repair sheet making him even later on his next call.

14. When signing his sheet tell him you have lost enough money with this machine and you will not be paying the rent for it, and you want it changed tomorrow or it will be out in the car park,as there is other companies wanting your business.

FOLLOW THIS GUIDE ON EVERY CALL NO MATTER HOW SMALL THE PROBLEM

Cardinal Sin · Post by **Cardinal Sin** » Sun Jan 20, 2008 10:43 pm

Bravo.

This has breathed new life into the old "broken photocopier" gag.

JG · Post by JG » Sun Jan 20, 2008 10:52 pm

Bravo indeed. More postings like that please. Laughing my face off!

YoungKai · Post by **YoungKai** » Sun Jan 20, 2008 10:59 pm

apparently if you ask an engineeeeeer realy nicely he will give/sell you a route list of his machines.

jeffvickers · Post by **jeffvickers** » Sun Jan 20, 2008 11:09 pm

Yes, mate. Just moved a Jackpots that Rock & Roll from the Red Lion to the White Horse, a Beat the Banker from the Old Cock to the Travellers Rest, I'm also moving a Carrabean Cash, thats now in The Fleece. I've 4 in the back, They're going back to depot, Bling & Queen, Rovers Return, Grub A Dub Dub and Doctors & Nurses. They are getting sent back to Nottingham & Ashton Under Lyne to get reglassed.